283 Shady Ladies

Our Last Weekend at 283 Shady

2009-09-13T09:11:00.009-04:00

Our last weekend began with Shawn, Dan S., Adam and I arriving Thursday night. Since it poured most of the day Friday- and it was a work day for two of us- we stayed in for most of the day but went to High Tea (which was merged with Low Tea because of the weather). Adam, Shawn and I had the first weekend together in May, so we're used to the rain. It was my first weekend with Dan S., and I learned what a terrific cook he is! We had mussels and sweet potato fries or lunch- thanks Dan!

Mark, Charlie and guest Sebastian arrived Friday night and Adam left Saturday morning to get back to town for his going away party.

Saturday wasn't so bad weather-wise. I went to Jumpin' Jacks in The Grove after the doorman I met at The Ice Palace Friday night flaked out and reneged on his offer to let me into http://www.missfireisland.com for free. Sixty-five dollars for a drag show, really? These guys pictured to the right are

all lifeguards at Robert Moses beach (except for Mark on the right). The three to the left are straight and were just visiting The Grove for the weekend for Miss Fire Island. I was just hanging out by myself enjoying a cigar and Robert Mondavi sauvignon blanc at Jumpin' Jacks, ran into Mark who I know from town (who gave me a history lesson on The Grove and The Pines), and we got talking to them. Can you believe these dudes went to the underwear party on Friday night! [And they had a blast they said!] I Love Fire Island!

We enjoyed the music of DJs Corey Craig and Xavier at Low

and High Teas, respectively, and somehow a risotto dinner came together (again, Dan, you must have had something to do with that.) David B. arrived directly from JFK following his trip to Spain during High Tea. I'm not sure what went on after that, but I went to bed.

It is 9:30am Sunday morning, I'm the only one up, the sky has cleared, wind is calm and I'm listening to "Easy (Like Sunday Morning)" by Sweet Love. It is going to be a great day.

I'd like to thank my house mothers Shawn and Damian for putting together a great house and making this season just perfect. You did a great job and I'm so grateful. (Will this complement sway Shawn from telling me this is the most boring blog entry he has ever read? Probably not!)

Well, one more day here- let's get to it!

A lil late....early August

2009-09-08T17:51:00.004-04:00

Sorry these pictures are so late - a month! But, here are some shots from early August.

On a trip through the Meat Rack, we discovered this poster.

Some witchy lesbian in Cherry Grove has quite the garden in front of her house...

Will's friend Jay made us lunch!

Monday night in the Pines - good times.

Matt and Shawn met the Bollywood Paris Hilton and her lover.

They are registered at Macy's....and Undergear.

David and Matt hit the beach.

The Davids bond.

David and Darrick hit the roofdeck for a little storm chasing.

Week 10: A Very Fire Island Fourth. WARNING: Some pics NSFW!

2009-07-20T11:36:00.009-04:00

So, since none of us ho's who stayed at the house for the Fourth of July could be bothered to write a post, here are some pictures for your "wasting time at the office" pleasure. Shawn, feel free to add color commentary.

We had two new faces in the house that week, Jeffrey (who has a nickname that I shan't repeat), and David.

During our first night's dinner, one housemate had to run to this bedroom to show off his "bottom pants". These pants made numerous appearances throughout the weekend, as did their namesake.

Matt "Currie-in-a-Hurrie" arrived on Friday night and promptly got herself a drink.

And almost got hurself somethinig else, too!

Mark and Charlie had a drink, or six, too.

And then on Saturday, Ms. Currie became a woman when she donned her "first" heels. Lookin' good!

Will(ma) decided to try a little drag on for the Invasion, and ended up in this "White Trash Meets Disco Booty" trainwreck of an outfit. But, the heels are good.

So, the housemates made it to the Harbor in time to get a front row seat to the fuckery that was about to begin. Check out the hot ass behind us.

But this was on the other side.

...and this.

One of the highlights was the boat "decked out" like the bus from Priscilla Queen of the Desert!

The queens arrived.

Currie got his picture taken with the Golden Gurrls - and evidently Blanche had a little thing for him.

And then night fell. And of course, Currie (a.k.a. the Long Island Princess) had brought the largest sparklers known to man for the Fourth of July and we had a fun time lighting them. Not as much fun as the almost-was-guest and his "friend" on the roof (Are those racoons on the roof?)...but still, fun.

Sunday, we all went to the Beach.

Currie was tired. He tried on his bottom pants too.

All-in-all it was a fun weekend. Most are currently going through their 28-days detox. Except Shawn, he went back for more (see week 11).

Breaking News: There was another fire in the pines...

2009-07-20T09:57:00.006-04:00

This investigative journalist is able to report the facts, as shared by a housemate on the scene:

HOUSEMATE: it was just a lil crazy

HOUSEMATE: okay I will set the scene

HOUSEMATE: Whitney Houston.. "It's Not Right, But It's Okay"

HOUSEMATE: Last 30sec of the song

HOUSEMATE: around 9:05 PM Middle Tea is just in full swing

HOUSEMATE: music cuts out.... the fags live to sing the song aloud and finish the last part of the song.."I'm gonna make it anyway Close the door behind you leave your key, I'd rather be alone then unhappyyyy ya!"

HOUSEMATE: Gays cheer, thinking Vito has just pulled another DJ master set

HOUSEMATE: few moments go by and the music never comes back on.....Vito holds up a sign.. "Fire Alarm Wait 5 Min"

HOUSEMATE: so we do

HOUSEMATE: Vito stands up and shows the gays his cock and balls as a distraction

HOUSEMATE: The crowd chants "Vitoooo Vitooo"

HOUSEMATE: They burst into song.. Madonna " Like a Prayer" clapping and singing

HOUSEMATE: then it starts to clear out..

HOUSEMATE: once about 2/3rd of the people have left, about 10 minutes

HOUSEMATE: I smell burt plastic

HOUSEMATE: we go outside and the whole Pavillion building FRESH MARKET and all

HOUSEMATE: is black lights out

HOUSEMATE: bellowing smoke out the back near where the ATM is and that back staircase up to middle tea is. DJ Havier is seen running for the Blue Whale with CD's and groupies in tow.

HOUSEMATE: Turns their is two storage closets that I guess the circuit braker box for the whole building is in.. and it caugh fire. After about 20 minutes the fire dept which is about 100 yards away decided to show up and clear the dancing queens from the harbor.

HOUSEMATE: but Eric had it contained.. people were singing "the roof the roof the roof is on fire"

HOUSEMATE: they had it up at running again by 11:30 just in time for most people to have already decide to go to Cherry Grove for the evening or Sip and Twirl.

Fa, fa flames on the side of my face......

Week 11 - Watch What You Wish For!

2009-07-17T10:13:00.031-04:00

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Kathleen! What a effin' weekend!!! (Yes I used 3 exclamation points, and yes I'm a top. Get over it.) I don't know what happened! I have post-traumatic slut syndrome. I've washed myself with bleach twice on the sterilize cycle and then threw myself in the bay and I still feel dirty. Anyslutty, enough about me let's go:

[Flashback sponsored by Stoli with limited commercial interruptions]

It all started as Dan and I were driving to Fire Island Thursday evening. I was bitching and moaning how unapologetically boring everybody in the house has been this year. The guests have consistently trounced the home team in the Hot Slut category week after week. The only thing fucked in our house so far has been the oven door. I loudly wished that finally THIS weekend someone would remember they have a dick and step up their game. Well gurls... I think Endora was sitting up there on Cloud 9 and heard me and cast some sort of evil dirty whore spell on the house this weekend. (It was either that or Willma having evening cocktails on the roof in a red wig again. One never can tell.)
Anytranny, let's get right into this fuckfest I ain't got time for foreplay today.

HOT SLUT OF THE WEEK:

EVERYONE!

You want to know who hooked up with who? EVERYONE FUCKED EVERYONE. Then they switched and sexy timed again. It was sex in the bedrooms, sex in the showers, sex on the couches, sex on the roof, sex on the board walks, sex on the dick dock, sex in front of Sip Twirl, handjobs on the beach and probably a couple other places I didn't hear about.

AND IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME YOU WHORES! After weeks upon weeks of dry sheets and weekend stories that would instantly cure the worst insomnia the flood gates finally opened and the lube and vodka poured forth into a Saturday night dirty vortex of sweaty July man-sin. I'd like to say that in the flood we built and ark and there was pairing two-by-two however it was more like threes and fours and ain't no ark in sight. The only way you could end up in a one-on-one was to lock yourself in a room and ignore the 4 or 5 break-in attempts. Please note the crowbar marks on the bayside bedrooms doors (not joking).

So I can hear you now "BITCH! GET TO IT. WHA' HA HAPPENED?" Well I'll tell you: Take 6 gallon jugs of Svedka, 5 bottles of flavored vodka, 3 gallons of rum, 3 bottles of sparkling wine and two bottles of red wine. Then add a generous squirt of Swiss Navy Silicone lube, a handful of pills and shake well. Viola - RAGING SHAMELESS SLUTS.

Friday night started off as they usual do. The gurls rolled in, vodka was had. Adam missed the train AGAIN so got the ferry dock on her own:
Later Friday evening Felipe (a.k.a FiFi) bought over a gaggle of questionable straight boys over. Why? I don't know. I was a bit confused when they said they were there to visit and not to deliver groceries. One of them later proved his utter heterosexuality by making out with a black guy at Sip N Hurl. Oops.

Anydarky, the straight boys rapidly lost their luster and Adam and I ninja'ed out to the Cherry Grove Daniel Nardicio underwear party. I wish I could tell you what transpired there but we vowed never to speak of it again. Needless to say a bear costume and a go-go boy were involved. Damn! I spoke of it.

Back at the house the gay and "straight" boys headed out for the evening. Jason "dumbass" MacDonald got into a bitch-slap fight with Fire Island Pines Blvd and lost. How? Well you know when you're walking down Shady and you have to turn at the end of the boadwalk to go towards town? Well genius here was more into researching music in his iPhone then making a right turn and gayly forwarded straight off the boardwalk and into crutches and an air-cast. Gravity 1 - Jason MacDonald - Zero.

The remaining walking housemates Dan and Lady Byrd hit the bustling Pines underwear party and rubbed coochies with the Pines boys. There was some making out in the restrooms and little blowjob out front. Everything a $10 cover should get you.. know what I mean? Mmm hmm.

Friday night ended with Adam and I returning to a sleeping house. I re-entered my room to find the roomie and a naked South American boy in bed. Disappointingly the new bottle of Swiss Navy Silicone lube remained unopened on the dresser. What the dick?!? Umm.. gurls. Lemme axe you a qwestion. When you have a naked South American boy in your bed - what do you do? - FUCK 'EM. FUCK 'EM A LOT! Then take a short nap and fuck 'em again! South Americans were made to be fucked. It's why God created South America for Christ's sake! It's pretty much God's version of the Flesh Light. Oh well.. you can lead a whore to water, but you can't make em fuck in it.

Saturday mornings hangover woke up early and the set up the 1st annual Dan Singer 25th birthday party began. The Fire Island on-call doctor made a house call to check on Jason's foot. I walked in as Jason was reciting a list of medications. I wasn't sure if he was telling the doctors the pills he had taken in the last 24 hours or was reciting Michael Jackson's toxicology report. Sh'mon! I'm bad! You know it!

That afternoon the party had a great turn out. Grilling, cocktails and a jell-o shot cake were enjoyed. Various countries, sexual orientations and genders were represented. Dykes, Germans and straight boys. Oh my. The afternoon meandered by and the party wrapped and everyone looked towards tea. Low Tea and then Saturday Middle Tea. Drinks and then more drinks then back to house for dinner and more drinks. Saturday post-dinner the gurls found themselves in a V-hole (vodka hole) and lazied around the house ENDLESSLY. Now gurls, why the dick would you want to hang around the house on a hot Saturday night on Fire Island in July is beyond me. This dick does not suck itself and sitting around the house with you whores is fun 'til run out of mixers. What's a gurl to do?

PEACE OUT! Once again Shawn and Adam quit that bitch and hit Sip N Twirl. A hot July storm blew in and rain began to fall. The boys we left at the house decided to wait it out there. Whereas Adam and I myself decided to drink it out at the bar. Stoli after stoli the drunking had begun. After hitting the dancefloor Adam mugged a midget who briefly struggled to get away before deciding it was either submit or death. After man-handling and dancing to a Lady Gaga track the cougar finally released it's prey and returned to the hunt for bigger game. A few more ice cold Stolis in between while the hot July thunderstorm raged outside.

Now ladies... somewhere around this point the flood waters that have been building up for weeks began to run over the banks. The raging thunderstorm outsides pressed the limits of the levees that have been holding back the house sexy-times until now. Finally the remaining 283 boys, and guests, and other various birthday party attendees braved the storm and made it to the bar. Gays spilled onto the dancefloor and reunited in rainbow hugs and sparkly kisses.

Now I'm not quite sure who flipped the switch BUT quicker than you can say "Stick it in!" - IT - WAS - ON! Dancing, drinking, grabbing, groping, propositioning, threesome, foursome, switching, rinse with Stoli and repeat. Deals were stuck, arrangements made, grab your trick(s) and run out the door and back to the house.

Well gurls.. what happens on the boardwalk doesn't always stay on the boardwalk. Switches were made. People traded up or traded down. Blowjobs were given, asses were grabbed and sweet nothings were whispered into peoples ears: "I really just need to get fucked tonight!"

6 minutes later it was back to the 283 Brothel where room jumping and shower scenes ran rampant. (Well shower scenes were rampant for about 8 minutes until the hot water ran out.) Upstairs, downstairs, on the stairs. The only one to go home disappointed was Zac who risked getting raped in the Meat Rack on his way back to his house in Cherry Grove. Zac figured it was better to risk being raped in the Meat Rack then to go back to the house and ensure it. Better luck next time Zac! We missed you.

Housemates and guest filled every nook of the house. One house guest decided his ass was the Harry Potter sorting hat while another housemate ran around rubbing her Mexican cho-cha on anything that couldn't get away fast enough. The last houseguest crawled into bed with Jason MacDonald and attempted to go for the CrippleFucker award but found out Jason was already sleeping with Prince Valium. Better luck next time!
Now after reviewing the evening we attempted to pick a Hot Slut of Week but realized we were picking from from top 10 draft picks of the NFL of sluts. Literally the top competitors in the 2009 hooker Olympics. Picking one based on floor routine, swimsuit or talent competition was just too difficult and so everyone end up with a ~~pearl necklace~~ gold metal!

Anywhoreswithnomroals...

The housemates awoke Sunday morning to a shaking house. Not an earthquake but a two- and sometimes threesome was still raging on the upstairs couch. As the housemates staggered up for coffee the 2/3some showed no signs of stopping and Power Bottom Brunch was born. The sex raged for another hour or two taking short breaks before starting up again. Coffee was had on the lanai to sounds of chirping birds drifting gentle in the breezy and "FUCK ME!" drifting not so gently through the windows.

It was one of those mornings where you couldn't look at your housemate in the eye for a good thirty minutes. The couch sex scene finally wrapped up and the utter devastation of house became aparent. Parties, storms and orgies. Haz-Mat was called in, condoms were shovelled into the trash cans, sin was wiped away and 6 cans of trash and recycling was hauled out.
As quickly as the storm blew in, blew everyone, and blew out the Jewish mother brigade took it's place. Dan Singer's Mom followed by Adam Becker's Mom. Bagel were enjoyed, beach time then tea with Dan Singer's mom who instantly fit right it. She staggered down the boardwalk drinking straight Vanilla vodka and made 27 new Facebook friends at low tea. Back to house for a amazing dinner then out to Sunday Broadway musical night at the Blue Whale. Momma Singer partied and sang showtunes til 1:30am until finally hauled out by her gay son. Staggering back home down the boardwalk singing Judy Garland and exclaiming "I'm pleasantly tipsy". Ahhh... Just one of the gurls!

Without further adeu:

Top 10 of the week:

1.) "I don't like bossy deaf bottoms."
2.) "I'm COMPLELY naked right now!" "And?"
3.) You look FABULOUS... [aside] She's getting fat.
4.) I'm out of fuck.
5.) "I don't like negativitiy." "WHAT? You feed on negativity, cigarettes and vodka!"

6.) "I'm so tired." "Want some Tequila?"
7.) "Do you watch American Idol?" "No, I'm a top."
8.) "12 feet.. 12 feet.. No WHAMMIES"
9.) The spirit is willing but the flesh is flaccid.
10.) "Dan, You know what I like even more than wine or champagne for breakfast?" [shaking bottle of vodka]

Til next time Hos!
XO
Shawn

Week 9: 6/25/09 - 7/2/09

2009-06-29T07:31:00.006-04:00

Darrick arrived late Thursday afternoon to a sunny, bustling warm harbor. Having benefiting from the maid's recent visit and such awesome share-mates from week 8, not much was necessary to get things in order. Too bad Sal doesn't like cheese- we could have had three means a day with it there was so much left.

Following Sal and Wes's arrival, Felipe arrived on the 6.30pm ferry and apparently Roger did too, but he couldn't resist Low Tea, so we saw him later. Back at the house, the wicked storm passing through kept us away from Low Tea, but thanks to a little culture infused from Felipe, we were entertained by Chelsea Handlers videos on Youtube:

The highlight of Friday night was the beautiful sunset we witnessed before heading out to High Tea. Thanks for these photos Felipe!

While Sal, Wes and Darrick attended the Fire Island Pines Arts Project tour of homes designed by Pines Resident, house friend and architect Hal Hayes: http://fipap.org/event.php?event=75. Roger hit the beach.

Darrick skipped low tea on Saturday, opting for some time to himself, and to prepare for our lovely hamburger dinner (we are recession conscious here, except for an occasional $10 pate that found its way on the grocery bill. I loved it Felipe!). We intended to hit the Pavilion, but the venue was empty so we went to the only other place: Sip and Hurl.

One share-mate discovered the dick dock for the first time that night, and found the company quite friendly.

On Sunday Wes and Sal's guest Theresa arrived. Darrick got an excellent massage from Rory Hughs (Bodywork by Rory, 631-597-9369, rory@roryhughes.net) and then did the usual bloody mary in the harbor followed by a walk through the meat rack to Cherry Grove where they had 2pm drag show at the Ice Palace.

Sorry folks, not entertaining I know; I'll make another attempt later this summer!

Week 8 - The Gay-V

2009-06-26T11:03:00.022-04:00

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY Gurls!

Happy Pride! I thought I'd pop this blog out before ya'll drink all your brain cells away!

Week 8 started off innocent enough on Thursday evening. JC and I Thelma and Louise'd it outta the city at 5:01pm. A not-so-quick stop and Stop & Save in Sayville and a cart full of gay groceries later we missed the 7:30pm ferry. What's a boy to do? LOBSTERS! The Cull house right by the ferry is FAAAABULOUS! 2-for-1 lobsters! Moaning and groaning ensued while slipping buttered up meat past hungry lips and down open throats. Then JC left the restroom and came back to the table for dinner. Whore.

9:15pm we were on the ferry dreaming about what cocktail to prepare first. The blueberry lemonade and vodka or the Lavender Lemonade Vodka and soda. We were also anxiously awaiting to see the new gorgeous, repainted and repaired house! As dreams of sugary plum drinks danced through our heads and we strolled through the door [CUT SCENE - Screeching halt sound. Voice over: WAH WAAAAH!] Instead of sleek white fabulousness and chilling cocktails we find three drunk and stoned Mexicans lounging in our lounge.

Now normally, gurls, coming home on Fire Island to a house full of drunk and stoned Latinos is a special cinnamon skinned gift from God. It's like Ricardo Montobon looked down from Heaven and winked at you. Well this was no Fantasy Island and the Love Boat was more like a leaky Ferry during a rain storm. And Gopher was NO WHERE to be found shakin my cocktail. Well we made the best of a Mexican situation. We poured a little drink and sat on the Lanai introduced Mark to the joy of poppers! He looked apprehensive (as they all do), but once under his nose his throat relaxed and the rest is history.
Friday morning we vacated the house as the workmen finished ~~smoking up~~ painting. JC and I took our annual stroll to Cherry Grove and Jumpin' Jacks Seafood Shack and discovered Cherry Mojito's while Mark finished up working. We strolled back and decided to welcome Robert at the ferry dock with cocktail in hand, however that quickly turned to "Fuck it.. he knows where the house is." and his cocktail was in our hands. Damn those rude Cherry MOjitos!

Friday evening - Low Tea and High Tea. Adam rolled in. Problem solving duo JC and Shawn observed Recessionista pricing and absconded with a stack of Fire Island Pines cups to replace the Red 'CAN'T COME IN WITH THOSE!' cups. I'm sorry but it's a recession and as much as I love the overpriced over-iced and overcrowded bars. I'll bring my own, thank you. Or even cheaper. Just buy a long straw and drink someone else's:
Friday nights the underwear party was in full effect. I had to make a quick wardrobe change as Matt Currie commented my outfit was a little too "Bareback me in the third stall from the left". Everyone know the classy hos use the RIGHT stall. Tap three times! ;)

At the party there were panties and bubble butts as far as the drunked one squinting eye could see. As the herd was thinning out a sage old cougar whispered in her best pack-a-day smoking voice: If ur gunna strike; strike now! A quick fruit loop around the room to pick off the weak was unsuccessful and we were out. After the underwear party Robert and Matt took off like a shot and hit the pool for the little late night skinny dipping. [Pics and video posted soon - THANKS ROBERT!]

Meanwhile the remaining three did a Dick Dock fly-by. Now at this point manners and discretion prevent me from going further into the torrid details.

Who am I kidding! I'd post pop-up video with subtitles and Special Directors cut if I had it.

Anywhorey, One of the afore mentioned remaining gruesome threesome found herself a nice little new threesome and found out why it's called the Dick Dock. Apparently one of 'em was the size of a canister vac and sucked just as much. The second found a gaggle of wild twinks and the third went on the extended Dick Dock tour. Nothing says Friday night like trying to stay on a dark wet boardwalk while attempting to look cool and that you just happened to be walking that way anyways and were like "Oh! There's dick! Oh no no no... I couldn't possible have anymore.. ok.. just one".

Saturday's hang over rolled around and the girls climbed outta there Vodka holes while Chef Danny once again showed her pasta prowess and whipped up a wonderful lunch. Pretty Nicky and crew swung by and hopped, once again, on the 283 party express. Shots were made and the boys carvanned down Fire Island Pines Blvd and into Ru's circus themed birthday party. The party gurl donned her best lucite high heels and a whip and gave a show:
I didn't say it was a good show... Pretty much a Britney-esque whip spinning trainwreck. Party was dunzo so we finished our drinks and like Vito's balls: We were OUT! A quick drink refresher the 283 and then hit up a party at the Reflections house. Another drink there and disapproving look around the room and we were off again. Saturday night drunking continued and we found where the real party was at; Middle Tea. The rain poured along with the drinks while the homos raged to DJ Vitos Best Song of your youth set. The hos were out in force and giving good face:
That's HOT! The boys once again took over the stage/speakers and worked it out while PrettyNicky slapped her clit on some cop from Staten Island in the corner. He was adorable and I think charming however I haven't finished my Rosetta Stone - Staten Island course yet so I didn't understand a damn word outta his mouth. Immigrants.. sheesh.

Middle Tea was clearing out and the Vodka was wearing off, however the deluge outside didn't get the memo. What's a gurl to do? Find an umbrella of course! Not necessary OUR umbrella just AN unbrella. Step 1: "Wait here." Step 2: "Where'd ya get that?" Step 3: "RUN!". On our way home with ill-gotten rain protection we met John.. or a John.. not sure. But Adam 'Queen of Boardwalk Trade' showed her skillz once again. Adam flipped off Mother Nature and could not be stopped. And that my dear children is what we call RAIN TRADE. Zero to make-out in less than a boardwalk. Congrats gurl! One whore around for a quarter mile, in a thunderstorm, on a dark boardwalk in a mesh shirt and you score.

Anyslutty, back at the house dinner was made, drinks were had then out to Sip N Hurl. Dancing and drinking were thrown down, penises were shown and trannys were EVERYWHERE! Which leads us to

HOT MESS OF THE WEEK!

Rebecca Glasscock!

Ain't no one wanted to see this poor penis tucker OR her over sized hands during Saturday night's rain fuckery. She was found that night huddled up in a corner at Sip 'N Twirl by herself reapplyig her Wet N' Wild lipstick and trying not to melt in the rain. Even QueenMother Tranny Porsche quit that shit and with a wave of her magic SoCo hand left followed by a pack of synthetic hair Tranny Tribbles. Better luck next time Tranny. Now Sashay.. away.

Sunday rolled around and Strictly Top Birthday bash. The 283 boys rolled out the Welcome Mat:

NO! Not that Welcome Matt! This one:
The Strictly Top Sunday Birthday brunch was the place to be. Dress code was strictly enforced:
The guests rolled in an enjoyed Vito's famous pancakes, fresh fruit and variety of meats.

Speaking of fruits and meats:

HOT SLUT OF THE WEEK!

Traditionally this category is saved for that special skanky ho that has gone above and beyond the call of late night boardwalk trade that week and made a special mark upon the house. [Note to self: Give the maid a raise for cleaning all the "special marks" off the house]. Historically this award only goes to that ho that spent the weekend indiscriminately swings from peen to peen like a vodka soaked Tarzan. We all know 'em - We all love 'em (some more than once!)

But this week is a ground breaker, boys! This week the boys of the 283 were skooled and shamed on boardwalk trade and making out wih gay boys. Introducing out first [real] female HSOTW and the new Queen Bee:

CORYN!

Why she is hot slut of the week: Nails done? Check! Fake Gucci bag from Chinatown? Check! Britney in hand? Check! Time to make out with more gay boys than anyone else this weekend. CHECK.
Famous quote: Carls going to the Dick dock. G'Night Carl!

Now I've faux pas'ed. Coryn dislikes being in pictures almost as much as me and specifically asked we only use photos that catch her in the best possible light. So upon her request I've run this pic through red eye reduction, lighting fill.. etc. So here ya go:
Congrats Coryn! See ya on the Dick Dock! ;)

Without further adieu:

TOP 10 of the WEEK!

1.) Weekday Two-fers!

2.) "Everything on this island is a fleeting moment."
3.) "Oops!"
4.) "I'm a non-commital shooter."
5.) "This is what you miss when you think I have your green card!"
6.) "I don't know what this is, but that can't be good."
7.)
8.) Candlestick, Dining Room, Adam.
9.) Ella Ella Hey.. Hey.. HEY! Where'd my umbrella go?
10.) "ANGRY JEW! ANGRY JEW!"

Hugs and Kisses - Have a Happy and Safe Pride and see ya back here for my 4th of July update. Should be a fuckfest! I can't wait! -Shawn

Week...7? Delayed, Shortened, All My Fault

2009-06-22T21:10:00.009-04:00

Adam here. I meant to blog about Week 7 but I'm a lazy douche and well, those memories are lost forever. I know Will and I went to an underwear party, I know Bobwen brought a dog that, if it stepped out of line, I would have turned into a lovely hat (hence his new name: Chapeau) and I know that someone was HOT MESS OF THE WEEK for having a rough Saturday morning. But that's all I know. I turn it over to Shawn to document the most recent mess of a weekend.

HMOW:

______
Will here. I may have spent most of the weekend in bed nursing a hangover, but I still know how to hijack Darrick's treasure trove of photos from the weekend to give you a better sense of just went down 2 weeks ago.

First we have Chapeau, Adam's future hat.

A symbol. Or, what we all felt like by the end of the weekend.

Adam and Felipe discuss the merits of Lily Allen's new song "F*ck You Very Much".

Friday night dinner. Who the hell are those people and what happened after?

Face face face she gives face beauty face. You know this is their new profile pic.

Think you know who this hot piece is floating on a raft because the pool was so frigid?

That's right, it's Damian - of the Connecticut Possidente's thank you very much.

He came with Darrick (natch).

Felipe reads up on Scientology by the pool.

Week SiXXX - FREAK WEEK!

2009-06-15T12:47:00.015-04:00

[With special guest commentator SHAWN!]

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, gender-benders and transvestites, Week Sixxx was the week of freaks.

The week started with Dan and Adam Barber heading out early to the island. Adam Barber, for those of you who don't know, was this weekends guest [read: toy] , though I didn’t really spend too much time with him (more on that later). At some point early Adam was spotted staring at the roof above the lanai and asked, "Eh, what the hell are you doing?" To which Adam responded, "I'm checking for bugs, ticks, spiders, and other scary things I don't like." Being that Adam and I may or may not have been in an herbally-enhanced state, we proceeded to laugh for a good two minutes before Adam resumed his quest for insects. [He didn't find any insects but he did find an Asian left over from last weekend stuck in the gutter pipe. Note to self: Spray for Asians.].

Doug arrived early Friday morning, followed by David (Lady) Byrd, Anthony and Nicky (N&A were the replacements for Damian and Jesus, who decided that a trip to Europe was more important/interesting than a weekend on FI. They are wrong, obviously.) We poured cocktails, and then some more got 'tails, got dressed, and headed to tea.

An aside: (Queue song: "Love is in the air") Now, Adam, Doug, and I had been drinking all day (shockingly). At some point, Adam and Doug's eyes turned to hearts, and a special connection was made... [It's called an erection] maybe 6-10 times over the weekend. All I'm saying is you might want to wear flip-flops in the shower. [Or a hazmat suit. We all know where she been.]

After low tea, the gang headed up to high tea which was a ton of fun, despite the rain. After high tea, eager to get back to the house and drink dinner, I may or may not have slipped and fallen down the 20 or so steps from high tea. It was glamourous...as were the 4 kind gentlemen [read: security] that helped this bitch up. [Is the Dick Dock only 20 steps from High Tea?? Many a gurl has "slipped and fallen" to their knees around that area, gurl. Last time I was there I slipped but I caught the hand rail on my way down. Ok it wasn't a hand rail, it was a black guy. Don't Judge.]

We got back to the house, unanimously voted for a liquid dinner over something solid, and got ready for a evening at Slip & Hurl. From what I remember, it was fun. My roommate for Friday, Adam, never came back to the room. We found him and Ms. D. Adams on the couch in the living room. Who wants to sit and watch a movie NOW? [From the looks of these two bottoms no one will be sitting for awhile anyways]

Matthew Currie allegedly arrived late Saturday morning, hung out with us and DJ Vito around the pool, but disappeared shortly thereafter saying that he had to go see his friend, drag queen Epiphany Get Paid perform in Cherry Grove. (read: wanted to take a tour of the meat rack.) That was the last she was seen or heard of. [Note: Epiphany is a Somilian pirate and probably holding Currie for randsom. Someone tell that that bitch his butt is "natural" and not a cargo hold! [heh heh hehe cargo hold...]]

The weather was gorgeous on Saturday. We woke up relatively early, Doug, perhaps feeling bad for staining the couch, made a delicious breakfast and I made the gang some Mimosas. We ate out on the lanai and life was good. We then went to take some sun before most of the gang headed to the Masturbate, nay, Masterbeat party that afternoon. (Yea, I don't know how to do the strike throughs, so Shawn, if you want to help, go ahead...) This is where the good stuff starts and how, despite falling on my ass down the stairs from High Tea, drinking dinner, and getting random texts from 4 people whose numbers I didn't have in my phone, I STILL am not Hot Mess of the Week. [You were competeting against seasoned professionaly life long career messes. It's understandable.]

So, Adam and Doug, being the herbal curers that they are, decided that there was not better cure for a hangover than a wake 'n bake session. Fast forward to a few mimosas and a cocktail or three later, Ms. Barber is lying on the hammock, when she, for whatever reason decided to get up. Folks, we've all see the position of the hammock: DO NOT GET OUT ON THE POOL SIDE. [Or just don't get out of the hammock at all if your a drunken stoned hungover ratty opossum of a mess.] So, Adam's gets up and and his crackberry goes flying into the pool. There were screams, there was crying, and a good 2 minutes pause before Lady Byrd said "WELL GO GET IT!" She hesitates and then jumps into the pool. Trying not to get her hair wet [fag.], she feels around for the Blackberry with her feet. "Adam, go down and pick it up." A good five minutes after the phone was at the bottom of the pool, it's not working. Adam, the neurotic mess that she is, decides that another bowl is in order. Pufffffffff. [The Whitney Houston Guide to Stress Management - Now in bookstores and crackhouses everywhere!]

This has earn Adam Barber the title of Hot Mess of the Week. Congratulations, Adam, you're our first guest winner!

See. She's thrilled! [And still stoned]

Then, some German friends of mine came to visit for the day so I spent my time with them and the rest of the boys went to the Masterbeat party. They say it was fun.
Saturday evening rolls around, we go to Low Tea, Middle Tea, which, by the way, was FABULOUS with 80s pop remixes thanks to DJ Vito, and then High Tea, which was eh. We proceeded back to the house, made turkey meatballs and parmesan risotto for dinner, and hung out until heading to S&T. I, apparently, woofed down 12 meatballs. I love my balls...

Little Nicky hasn't gotten much press through this whole adventure but Saturday night, she was ON. She found herself a muscled butterface and didn't come home until well after noon on Sunday. Congrats, lady! [However no congratulations go out to the butterface with blueballs]

Which leads me to Hot Slut of the Week. Uh, uh, uh, boys, little Nicky, although ho-ing it up with a random, doesn't quite qualify this week because of the lack of repeat performances. Mr. Adams, on the other hand, may have had a little trouble walking after 3 days on FI. (Not as much as Adam, though, who, while running to catch the train from the ferry, fell flat on his face and got scratched up, tripping over his flip flops and matching luggage. See: HMOTW)
Hot SLUT of the Week:

40 and still working it. [Cough: still passing out naked face down with door cracked] (The picture, perhaps a familiar sight for Adam...)

So, Sunday was really when all the shit happened. Lady Byrd's "friend" (read: trick) came out to FI for the first time...ever. A young 35, it was time to experience the magic that is FI. There was some brunching, some beach time, some drinking, some relaxing, some "napping," all seemed to be going well. But the Teas were really the kicker. The freaks were out in FORCE. [Including this crew]
There was Shareese:

There was LED sunglasses guy:

And then there is Doug's trick, Felix. Oh, Felix, poor, poor Felix. Overwhelmed by Lady Byrd's charm, Felix was happy, very, very happy. In fact, that Sunday on Fire Island was, and I quote, "the best day of my life." Tears followed, and then stopped for a moment. Felix excused himself and went to the bathroom, only to be found by Lady Byrd ten minutes later crying in the bathroom corner. LB made SURE that that FREAK was on the last ferry off of the Island. [With a bag of mood stabilizers]

Quotes from the weekend (thanks to Adam's once-again-functioning BB):

1. Carla! (Dan's maid) Graciella! (Adam's maid) Help me make my bed! (Followed by....)
2. There's no bond between a gay jew boy and his housekeeper.
3. I want a RORR! Yea? Well I was a snarl!
4. It's like 60 degrees out...time to go to Defcon 2 with the sweatshirts.
5. Before a big night out, like the Black Party, take an Immodium before you douche for enhanced muscle control.
6. To a white lady: "Umm, could you show me where the PIMM'S is?" to Dan "I'm sorry, sir, the what?" to WL "The PIMM'S, P-I-M-M-S." to Dan "I don't think I know what that is. Shatonya, do we have, I'm sorry, sir, what is it?" "Pimm's" "Ooooooooh! He want da Pimm's. Tyrel, show him where the Pimm's at."
7. What are you doing Adam, you look spaced out....I'm checking the
ceiling for bugs, ticks, spiders, and roaches that may or may not exist.
8. What's ADD? Eh, I don't care..Want to ride bikes?

Week 5 - Why did we buy the only spinning house on the island?

2009-06-04T21:20:00.039-04:00

Oh Lord! WHERE HAVE I BEEN ALL WEEK? I think I'm still sobering up from my burfday. I woke up to find my liver defriended me. Hateful withered bitch. HE'LL BE BACK! (They always come back... sniffle) For those who sent happy birthday wishes; you're all darlings. You shouldn't have! For those who didn't: you're not in the house next year.

Let's see. What ha' happened this weekend?

Friday afternoon the boys rolled in with vodka in hand and soon in gullet. Low tea was overflowing with ~~boys~~ ~~men~~ gentlemens and $10 Planter's Punch made a return. After a weekend of $13 "Computer Error" Planter's Punches the Recessionista pricing was a sigh of broke alcoholic relief. Fashion update: Britneys are last season. No one drinks that bat-shit craziness anymore. We've gone back to basics gurls. Planter's Punch is the drunk to be. I've heard from very reliable sources that the Blue Whale has been trying to come up with hot new drink of the season: The Rihanna. However they can't think of drink that's shaken black and blue.

Now ladies I don't say this often, but for once Willma was actually right. Ru was at tea:

I dunno what she was lookin' at. But from that face you think someone was about to sip on her cocktail. Get 'em gurl!

Adam, Hot Mess of the... well pretty much all the time, made many of new friend at Friday's Low, Middle and High Tea. (Whether they liked it or not.) But that's why he has 610 Facebook friends and I have... well dignity.

Here's Adam and un-named aged Dwarf getting cozy to a Lady-Gaga remix:
Just Dance.. mmmm k.

But the ho must go on. Friday's dinner was a orgies of pasta and 'Liza with a Z'. Last year we were tortured with endless playing and replaying of 'Golden Girls' and this seasons it's Liza. What is it with you hos and these washed up old women? I'd rather get beaten with a bag of old dildos than watch that bag again. Anygranny, last weekend's dinner discussion center on which brand of lube is superior. For the record Jason's preferred brand was Swiss Navy Silicone. Now how did I know this bitch's ass needs military-grade lube? DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL, Ladies. That's what I always say. (However you can take all the picture you want. -wink wink, nudge nudge-

Anyanus, Saturday morning was one of the best this season. Amazingly bright and warm sunny morning. The boys crawled outta their Pesto Pasta/Liza coma and hit the pool deck and lounge chairs. So a question: What do you do after you finish de-hairing for 3 hours? FIRE ISLAND! Pretty Nicky bound hairlessly in Saturday afternoon. Please enjoy a picture of Pretty Nicky enjoying Fire Island:

Oh wait..wrong pic.. here ya go:

MmMmM.. Just gives your eyes and erection, doesn't it?

Closely following was Darrick 'Gotta catch 'em all' Sampson with two of his exotic contingent.

But who doesn't love two lil' gay boys with a weak wrists and a dangerous obsession with Jem! Which leads us to gaysianly forward to: HOT SLUT OF THE WEEK - The 283 Shower! This grouted up floozie has seen more action than a a merry-go-round during an 8.2 earthquake. You ho's seem to think this is NYSC steam room. Last year it was all about the 509 hot tub. Get some hot water and your ladies spread your legs like a Late night hooker working the West Hollywood In-N-Out Burger. You sluts have been crawlin' in through the window to bob for boyfriends up in this bitch.

And as a Cosmo tip for ladies - Wrap the used condom in a wad of toilet paper and stuff it to the bottom the bin like us classy ho's do!
CLT+ALT+FLUSH.

So check your vaccinations and hit the shower! The waters fine.

An afternoon and evening of swallowing vodka cocktails whole inevitably led to HOT MESS OF THE WEEK:

EVERYONE AT SATURDAY MIDDLE TEA! Now I was not there since my Duane Reade Cold 'n Sinus had went bad with my Svedka so I took a itty bitty power party pass-out. But reports from the drunken-front point to intense frolicking fuckery.

Saturday night Sal 'n Wes made amazing fresh vegetable and lamb pitas. I'm moister than a Dunkin' Hines cake just thinking about 'em. Shortly after and tragically, Wes n Sal caught the Boring Couple Flu and passed out at 9pm. The remaining house-mates Adam, Shawn and Roger rolled out to Sip N Hurl to find Dance-Dance Danny tearing up the Sip N Hurl dance floor. The boys took to the floor and danced and stomped their vagina lips all over that floor. Adam gurled-downed early and headed to ~~the Dick Dock~~ home. As the crowd thinned and drifted towards Pavilion what's a boy to do? MEATRACK TOUR with tourguide Roger.

The Season 1 cast hit the darkened and sketchy bushes on the search for the wiley rabid drunken hos. Shh... be vewy vewy slutty. Well ask, gurls, and ye shall find. The season 1 boys quickly stumbled upon an into an ex-season one housemate getting a little oral pleasure. Now I'm a classy ho so I WILL NOT name names. Wild horse could not drag it outta me! Not in a million years. NO! NO! NO! However here's a clue:

And without further ado. The return of TOP 10 OF THE WEEK!

1.) 'I wish Darrick would get on those end tables!'
2.) Adam Becker 7:00pm, Friday: "I'm hammered."
3.) "Hi my name is Roger." "FUCK MEEEEEEEE!"
4.) Adam Becker 8pm, Friday: "I'm HAMMERED!"
5.) "The vacuum is drunk." "What?" "I spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it up and now the vacuum is drunk."
6.) Adam Becker, 9pm Friday: "I'm ham... hammered..."
7.) "My crotch is a 3G dead zone"
8.)

9.)Adam Becker, 9:30pm Friday through 9:30am Saturday, Living Room couch: "Zzzzzzz, snort, cough, zzzz."
10.) The new look of the summer.

That's all from this late-breaking weekend report. See y'all next time - Same Svedka time. Same Svedka channel.
XO
Shawn

Week 4 - A (Fuzzy but) Memorable Memorial Day Weekend

2009-05-26T21:37:00.034-04:00

The official start of summer was ushered in the front door of 283 Shady faster than one-hit-wonder tricks are ushered out. The scent of testosterone oozing from the ferry wafted down Fire Island Boulevard, cut through the low lying fog on the boardwalk and shot straight into the upper level of the 283. Take a deep breath boys, that's my new boyfriend you're smelling. And yes, I washed my hands.

The Shady Six all arrived by the last ferry on Friday night, poured one another a cocktail or twelve on the way in the door and sat down to a lovely dinner. And we drank and drink we did. Anger drinking - which is how we learned that the dishwasher was broken. As Darrick so eloquently declared to the dishwasher: Take it (a plate) you dirty bitch, take it you pig. "Take it, you pig" should be written on our welcome mat.

Wigs were worn:

Although the party was raging inside, and then on Scott's boat, only Matthew, Jason, and Adam made it to the Pines underwear party. A hot scene of boys - and some older gentlemen - dancing in their best underwear, sipping and spilling drinks, doing their damnest to make those stiffies subtly protrude, but not rudely stick out. It's an art, really. Adam lasted at the party for about 10 minutes before running off with a Guy from Dubai Half My Size. As the author of this post, I have no more information on the underwear party.

Meanwhile back at the 283, Adam was holding a middle east peace summitt which, apparently, was being observed by Peacekeeper Darrick. As he later put it, the mounting was impressive enough to end the conflict in the middle east (part of fire island). On Saturday, there was no evidence of Dubai mounting except for the bottle of lube next to Matthew's pillow.

But Saturday is for daytripping: visitors from the mainland looking for a place to hang for a while. Younger, excitable, skimpily-clad daytrippers. And not-so-trippy old favorites Anthony and Pretty Nicky. But daytrippers were to be found everywhere, usually in the shower with a housemate. Which brings us to the Hot Slut of the Week:

Congratulations Jason! I'll only say this: +/- 10 years.

And what do we know about daytrippers? They are horny. Glenn managed to take an outdoor shower during dinner preparation while Pretty Nicky managed to be discovered the very next day in the upstairs shower with another housemate. If you need to shower, be sure to take a daytripper with you. Other trippers, such as Mike, merely parade around in their underwear which is always welcome at the 283. Anthony, get with the picture and bring some briefs next time.

We won't get too intimate about the details about the daytripping tricking but let's say that outdoor shower is very convenient, comes in handy in a pinch, and doesn't offer much privacy from the prying eyes of the Shady Six or anyone else who wants to see some hot live shower action. Also, a little lesson for the younger set out there - towels do not cover your lower body when wrapped around your chest. If you don't want us to see your butt, lower the towel. And nice butt, Glenn.

And the rest of us? Oh yeah, we were at Middle Tea with our favorite DJ Vito Fun :

On Sunday morning, a the Shady Six and Guests spent about two hours crafting the ideal craigslist NSA personal ad, debating the pros and cons of the words "submissive" and "NSA" eventually finding the perfect combination of words surely to lure any boy with an aching in his groin to join the party. We are unclear as to the success of said advertisement. But Sunday was also a sun day for sure as the boys and visiting girls lounged around the pool and quietly imbibed cocktails. Quiet imbibement became loud drinking, and soon enough there were boys in the pool, boys wrapped around the poles, boys getting naked in the shower with other boys. Well really, what else does one do on such a beautiful day? It's all about water and watersports.

Ever wake up and can't remember what you did, how you got home, where you are? Yes, that's due to Sundays on Fire Island and that brings us to the Hot Mess of the Week so congratulations to Sluttie Currie. That's I-E for those of you who want to find him on facebook and ask him out. Not c-u-r-R-Y but I-E. That's right - say it back: I-E. SluttIE CurrIE.

HMOW met about 100 of the guys at low tea, checked IDs for 50 guys going into high tea (but don't worry, a hug is enough to get you past this doorman) and relived the old days of Tunnel, Limelight, Exit and Roxy all at once on a speakerbox high above the crowd, being groped by men and women alike. What does HMOW have to say about all of this? Nothing. Doesn't remember a lick of the night. Doesn't remember coming home at 10:30. Doesn't remember passing out. Doesn't remember his posse coming by the house to pose naked on him while he slept. Not a bit of it.

For those of you who haven't met Vito, Mattew's dear old friend, click here to see his BALLS. Vito brings booze to the house. Vito is our friend. We heart Vito.

Notable Quotes:
1. I slut hard, I slut early.
2. He grabbed the camera, I grabbed the dog.
3. I'm going to blow someone tonight, I'm fucking sure of it.
4. You could never have it that tight unless you have a small Philippino boy.
5. Brunchwood

For all the pictures of this weekend by AMB, click here. BECK'S PIX.

We expect great things from the last weekend in May coming up.

Week 3, or "DICK! You can't be here!"

2009-05-19T12:24:00.010-04:00

Shawn is getting greece-d up for his birthday with Andy Dick, so all y'all gonna have to deal with my blogging this week. Well, rain and gray clouds characterized the weekend for the most part. I arrived to find Damian, Shawn, Darrick, Rajiv (Friend of Darrick - that's kinda like Friend of Dorothy), and Mark enjoying an early evening cocktail. As soon as Charlie arrived, we all departed for Low Tea.

Now ladies, let me give you a lesson on scheduling your fire island weekends. Do not - I repeat - DO NOT get assigned the weekend before Memorial Day that also falls on AIDS Walk and a Marriage Equality rally. Tea was U-G-L-Y. Aside from a few notable examples, the crowd left a little to be desired, kinda like the pad thai I just had for lunch, cuz it doesn't fill you up and you know you're going to be seeing it again later the same night.

After dinner, half the house decided to go to Cherry Grove to partake in the first Porsche show of the season, which also happened to be Leather Weekend! More ugliness ensued. The Meat Rack was conquered. Sip-n-Twirl became the destination of choice, where Will and Shawn happened upon Damien "I'm Too Tired To Go Out" Poss out and about at 1:15am! And here, ladies and gentlements, we crowned the HMOW.

HOT MESS OF THE WEEK

Yes, that's Shawn. She got so drunk, she went backstage at the Porsche show and emerged an hour later with lipstick on her jeans and painted toenails. Don't ask him about Friday night tho - he doesn't remember much.

Saturday happened. I mean, what can you say about a day not cold but not warm, not sunny, but not terrible? Well, you can say, "DRINKS AT 1PM!" Damian and Will created the new house drink - THE SHADY LADY!

The Shady Lady
2 parts Stoli Vanil
2 parts pink lemonade
1 part soda fresh squeeze of lemon
Serve in a large glass with an accessory (straw, umbrella, mint, etc).

Shady Ladies were enjoyed by all the shady ladies. We may have giggled a little, a drag show may have been requested, we might have watched "Nine-To-Five", and a young girl may have become a woman. But we'll never tell. Especially Shawn, he was asleep.

But then, the obligatory after-dinner drag show. Enjoy.

HOT SLUT OF THE WEEK

He knows why, and so do we, but we're not telling!

And so, pumpkins, I'll sign off now. But I'll leave you with two things. First, the recipe for a drink we're dying to try and might die because we try.

The Dirty Rimjob Shot
1 part Kahlua or Godiva Liquer
1 part Guiness
Rim the glass in coco powder

And second, y'all come back now. Ya'hear?

Week 2 - Eleganza Extravaganza

2009-05-12T11:32:00.018-04:00

This week got off to a slow, grey, rainy start. Shawn and I dragged our asses over to Costco and Wal-mart (try to hold back the vomit) to buy all the basics for the house. 240 solo cups, 5 lbs. of laundry detergent, and countless dryer sheets later, we continued our journey over to FI.

A dreary day with little to no pity from the weather-gods (read: torrential downpours), Shawn and I arrived just as the Pantry was closing. We proceeded then to the house in the pouring rain, unpacked, made a nice dinner of pasta with a side of risotto, and watched Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion and Moulin Rouge. It was fagtabulous.

Anyway, enough of the boring stuff.

Friday rolled around soon enough and the weekend's shady ladies starting to roll in one by one. Naturally, we made a cocktail or five and relaxed.

Saturday, though, was the real turning point for the weekend. Whilst cleaning, Will discovered a little yellow bag of fun.

Some of its magical contents can be seen here:

Wigs, boas, and ostentatious costume jewelry - what more did we need? Needless to say, it was a fabulous evening!

At some point - my memory fails me - we all went to the beach to check out the replenishment initiative (read: to see if there were any hot guys there). Disappointed by the void of hot menzzzz, we took the mandatory group photo:

Sunday was spent basking in the sun, sprawled out on the pool deck's inviting day bed, hammock, and chaise lounges. Jason was ever-so-kind to provide an AMAZING soundtrack to this happening. (thanks, j!)

--------

Quotations from the weekend:

"Nothing puts me to sleep like a loose asshole." - Willma

"Where's Felipe?" - all (see below.)

"Where IS Felipe?" - Jason

"Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time." - Lady Byrd

"Oh, I love wine for breakfast." - Lady Byrd

"You're a strange little man, aren't you?" - Will

"Oh, why won't the sun just come out already?" - Jason, to which Willma responded "Oh, it's peaking... much like my youth!"
"Where'd you meet?" "Craigslist" - Anon
"You're as cute as me. In some cultures, maybe cuter." -Anon

--------

Hot slut of the week:

Fi-Fi

So no one feels left out, we've communally decided to add another "of the week" category - "Hot Mess of the Week." This week's winner:

Lady Byrd

-------

So guys, that's it for now. Please, please, please feel free to add any memories (like you have any), quotations, or other stuff. Thank you all for a great weekend.

Week 1 - And it Begins...

2009-05-04T19:16:00.013-04:00

HOLLA SHADY BITCHES! WEEK ONE IN DA MUTHUH FUCKIN" HIZ-OUSE!

Ahhh! Dear Darrick - Thank you for dropping that wonderful and enlightening snooze-bomb. I especially enjoyed the part were... umm.. wait.. I think it was the part before my eyes fell asleep from reading it. No, wait, it was the part after I got bored and logged onto X-TUBE, before I fell asleep. Hmm.. well I know there was part I enjoyed. Oh wait, no. I enjoyed THIS entry. My bad. Who wants to hear about votive holders and purple flower fuckery anyways unless someone is being fucked on the purple flowers with votive holder hot waxed to their nipples?! They wanna know which drunk bitch was the first to fall down the steps this season (ME!). They want to know who got some sexy-time action this weekend (Adam with himself). THEY WANNA KNOW THE GOOD STUFF!

Well, my little liquor-licking opossums, I know all your chochas are chomping at the bit for the week 1 real meat. So I'm here to give it to you just the way you like it. So lay back, put your feet up, take a deep breathe, enjoy the ride and here we go!

Yes, the upgraded house is now open for business. There was shopping and sweeping and planting and a fuck load of candles. The week oners arrived in quick order on Friday to lay claim to their new favorite boozing-n-banging bedrooms. House inspection quickly followed in order to map out the best spots for sexy times with questionably attractive gentlemen callers. The new roofdeck and 'Pool House' were voted with highest marks in the 'Best places to take an ugly trick' category. The shower came first place for taking multiple parties and where to look your best naked. (For all of you who haven't showered at the new house yet the bathroom mirror has been specially treated with an anti-fog and anti-fat coating to make you look epically good.)

The first supper was carb loaded to combat the low temps. And by carbs I means booze. Low Tea, a bottle of Absolute LA Vodka, three bottles of wine and Darrick passed out at 9:30pm later the season had officially begun.

Post-dinner the house could no longer contain all the Shadyness that had been laying dormant all winter. With wine bottle in hand the boys headed out the door and sashayed away down the board-walk in a Chardonnay induced cackle-fest.

Sip-N-Twirl was remarkably un-happening and was soon abandoned. On the way ~~to the dickdock~~ home Matt "When it happens, it'll be big and you'll know about it." Currie became instant fore-runner for Hot Slut of the Week as he demonstrated his prowess of absconding with large ornamental statues. Now I would like to a minute to alert the 283-Shadies Matt has issued a statement declaring he will not be caught in any comprising situations this summer thusly earning himself the title Hot Slut of The Week. Now, dear boy, we've heard this before. Many before you have made such a claim only to have bedrooms named in their honor, earned the name 'Muppet-Fucker', been caught on video in the hot-tub or on the roof or participated in Naked Taco Night with boys name Fabio, etc. So I willingly accept your challenge. After all, no one could possible snap you're pic without you knowing:

So when you wake up on a Monday morning and fire up your Safari browser only to find pictures of RuPaul spanking your bare ass in little yellow rain slicker, don't be discouraged. The only thing worse than being on the BLOG is NOT being on the BLOG. And I quote:

Roozbeh (Season 2): What are you going to say about me on the BLOG?
Shawn: Nothing, until you do something interesting.

Saturday and Sunday more shit happened, but I wasn't there cuz I had to go party with Lady Gaga, Madonna and Cyndi Lauper. So for the rest of the weekend highlights refer to Darrick snippet about planting flour covered plants (Who doesn't know Dusty Miller??).

Now it could be the Duane Reade flu liquid caps talking, but if week 1 was any indication of what's to follow it's going to be one hell of a fucked up Kayne West ALL CAPS drunken and bat-shit crazy summer. So clean your taints and fire up your vodka-holes and I'll see you the pool house!

This weekends Top 5:

1.)
2.) "I slept with ****?! C'MON!"
3.) Google Cuban Jews
4.)

5.) Waterbottles

XO
Shawn

Opening Weekend for the Shady Ladies

2009-05-03T10:52:00.005-04:00

Shawn and Damian opened the house Friday afternoon May 1st, followed by Darrick on the 5.30pm ferry with Adam and Matt arriving thereafter. (No guests for this first weekend.)

This 3 bedroom house doesn't have a hot tub, but we're confident we'll make friends with a house or two that does. It is very well appointed, with an endless supply of cloth napkins, votive holders and every utensil, pot and pan you'd ever need. We're still going to deal with memory loss on weekend mornings here at 283 Shady, but at least it won't be from ingesting bits of teflon with our eggs from those crappy pans at "The 509".

Low tea on Friday had a respectable crowd, but Saturday could almost be called "full". DJ Xavier played the usual dose of Madonna and Britney and wound things down with some Journey. The wood stove was roaring both nights and provided some much needed warmth as the temp dipped at night.

Saturday and Sunday mornings were rainy and cold, but the sun came out and the temperature increased to 60 on Saturday afternoon, making for 'just fine' planting conditions. Damian, Matt and Darrick planted 26 pots: basil, tomatoes, daisies, some purple flowers and some green things that look like they were dusted with flour. Darrick will experience the wrath of housemother Shawn if those fancy bulbs he planted don't come up. (Shawn, these are in the hideous wooden planters near the bedrooms.)

It was a low key weekend, with no reports of street trade, people falling off boardwalks, unexpected guests breezing out before breakfast, used personal items on the roof, etcetera, etcetera. Darrick, Damian and Jesus are staying until Monday. We're all headed out to Low Tea at 6pm where we'll see share-mate Matt off on the 7.55pm ferry. As for this author, I'll be on the 7.25am ferry tomorrow and back to work at 10am promptly.

Weeks for Sale / Trade

2009-04-22T15:55:00.023-04:00

Throughout the summer, we will be updating this post with weeks that housemates wish to sell/trade. If you want to be listed, please email Damian, Shawn, or Will!

We have weekdays (Monday - Friday) for sale for $20/night. Please email fipines07 (at) gmail (dot.) com
Sept. 10th - 15th. One space for swap or sale. Contact adam.michael.becker@gmail.com

*Please note you are free to sell/trade among other housemates, however sale to persons outside the house requires approval from Damian/Shawn.

Summer 2009 Schedule

2009-04-14T22:40:00.031-04:00

Week 19: 9/3/09 - 9/10/09 (Labor Day)
Douglas
Darrick
Felipe
Roozbeh
Will (with guest Daniel C.)
Adam Barber (with guest Jann)

Week 20: 9/10/09 - 9/15/09
David
Dan
Darrick
Adam (with guest Shawn B.)
Mark
Charlie

_______________________________________

PAST SCHEDULE:
Week 1: 5/1/09 - 5/7/09
Damian
Jesus
Shawn
Darrick
Adam
Matt

Week 2: 5/7/09 - 5/14/09
Douglas
Jason
Felipe
Will
David
Dan

Week 3: 5/14/09 - 5/21/09
Damian
Darrick with guest Rajiv
Shawn
Will
Mark
Charlie

Week 4: 5/21/09 - 5/28/09
Jason
Darrick with guest Ben
Damian
Jesus
Adam
Matt with guest: Mike

Week 5: 5/28/09 - 6/4/09
Roger
Daniel W.
Shawn
Adam
Sal
Wes

Week 6: 6/4/09 - 6/11/09
Douglas
Damian
Jesus
David
Dan S with guest Adam
Matt

Week 7: 6/11/09 - 6/18/09
Darrick with guest
Jason
Felipe
Will
Adam
Damian

Week 8: 6/18/09 - 6/25/09
Adam with guest : JC
Daniel
Shawn with guest: Robert
Matt
Mark
Charlie

Week 9: 6/25/09 - 7/2/09
Roger
Darrick
Felipe
Matt
Salvatore
Wes

Week 10: 7/2/09 - 7/9/09
David Reilly with guest Mystery Guy
Matt
Shawn with guest: Jonathan
Will
Mark
Charlie

Week 11: 7/9/09 - 7/16/09
Shawn
Jason with guest: Thom
Felipe
Adam
David
Dan with guest Adam

Week 12: 7/16/09 - 7/23/09
Roger
Douglas with guest Adam
Daniel
Darrick
Sal
Week 14: 7/30/09 - 8/6/09
Shawn
Darrick
Damian
David R.
Will with guest: David M.
Matt

Week 15: 8/6/09 - 8/13/09
Jay A.
Darrick
Daniel W.
Will
Mark
CharlieWes

Week 16: 8/13/09 - 8/20/09
Roger
David
Dan
Shawn
Sal with guest Rob and Jeff
Wes

Week 17: 8/20/09 - 8/27/09
Douglas
Damian (with guest Joseph - Sat and Sun)
Omri
Steven Henderson (with guest Arley - Fri thru Mon)
Jason
Matt

Week 18: 8/27/09 - 9/3/09
Roger (with guest Fri and Sat)
Damian (with guest jersey Louis Sat only)
Shawn
Sal
Wes
Matt

Summer 2009 House Guide

2009-04-14T22:30:00.004-04:00

Season runs May 1, 2009 – September 15, 2009

Share weeks run Thursday Noon through Thursday Noon.
Please note, there are no official house rules other than those stipulated by the property owner / lease agreement. Please continue to treat each other with respect and courtesy. Each share holder has an equal say in how the house conducted each week.
Per the lease agreement there is to be no smoking in the house.
If any property on the premises is damaged by the share holder, the share holder agrees to replace it or pay the owner the current value of the property. Reimbursement to be determined by the property holder.

Please ensure all windows and doors are closed when you leave the house.
Pets are allowed in the house. The pet owner assumes all liability for any pet related costs.
Property Owner Lease Holders are not responsible for lost or stolen property. The house has not had any issues with thefts to date however please keep your valuable in your possession or bedroom when you are out of the house.
Utilities, professional cleaning, BBQ grill gas and pool maintenance are included in the share price but the costs are estimated and may need to be adjusted at the end of the share period. We make every effort to anticipate costs accordingly. You can help keep utility costs down by turning off unused lights/stereos/grill gas etc.
Food: All food/beverages in the house are shared unless specifically noted.
Receipts are collected and the total cost is divided amongst the people staying in the house that week. If you need to leave early please estimate your food costs and leave your money with the receipts or another share holder.
Maid service will begin mid-May and continue every other week. The service will clean the house on Tuesdays, Wednesdays or Thursdays only. The maid will clean common areas (kitchen, living room, bathrooms and bedroom floors). You will be responsible for cleaning up after yourself daily. Maid service does not include: Laundry, outdoor plants, refrigerator clean-out or BBQ grill cleaning.
Please DO NOT instruct the maid service. The service has been given specific written instructions. Contrary instructions will lessen our service, but not our cost. We have asked the maid service to notify the lease holders immediately if there is any interference with their instructions.
Laundry: You are responsible for making your own bed. Beds must be left with clean linens at the end of your stay. All used towels must be laundered. Please do not leave any wet laundry.
Bathrooms are shared. If your bedroom has a bathroom attached please be accommodating to other that may need to use it. Bedroom choice is first come first served and cannot be reserved in advance. Couples usually default to the bedroom with the double bed.
Guests: Only 2 guests areallowed in the house any given night (No exceptions). Guests are not allowed to stay overnight in the house without the share holder. Guests may only stay over night in your room, and your roommate must accept this arrangement prior to the stay. All guest stays must be approved by and coordinated with the rest of the share holders of that week and the lease holders before share week begins. Guests will be charged a fee of $50 per guest per weekend night and $20 per weekday night plus food. Guest fees are the responsibility of the share holder and are DUE UPON ARRIVAL.

Our Last Weekend- Saturday Morning Update

2008-09-20T10:53:00.010-04:00

Summer ended for many when Labor Day came, but on Fire Island Pines, summer resort living continues. Darrick and Will arrived on the 5.30pm ferry and proceeded to first clean up a mess left by a non-share-mate!

This is the last weekend for a lot of houses, and judging from the full evening ferries, it should be a fairly good crowd this weekend. Beyond the bar Sip & Twirl, Low Tea at the Blue Whale drew a good crowd until 8.45pm when the music stopped. (There is only Low Tea tonight, and the Pantry closes at 7.30pm.)

In the house last night were share-mates Felipe, Darrick, Will, Josh and Tommy and guests Michael and Brynn. Chris B. and Anthony are expected today.

We enjoyed a simple but filling spaghetti and meatball dinner last night. The weather is perfect this morning. Guest Michael already went to Cherry Grove and made a delicious oatmeal breakfast.

And Darrick just bought the Dirty Dancing soundtrack so we could play "Kellerman's Anthem" to properly recollect the good times of this summer after dinner this evening.

WEEK 18 -A Retrospectivo

2008-09-09T23:19:00.010-04:00

The cast of 509 Week 18 braved Hurricane Hanna as she made her
way through the Pines on Saturday. That did not stop us from having a big night out on Friday. -A good word of advice ladies... if you go out and have a fling, please at least remember some details of who it was and what you did the next morning. It's rather unsettling to have 4 housemates recollect for you in graphic detail/measurements. Oh, and also make sure that your overnight trick doesn't leave their wallet/clothes behind because they walked home naked more drunk than you.

We had a decadent Cajun themed afternoon and evening meal on Saturday equip with authentic
Hurricane Cocktails:

Dark Rum
Light Rum
Passion Fruit Juice

OJ
Grenadine
Garnish with Orange wedge and cherry served over ice in tall glass with rox.

The meal:
Shrimp Etouffee over rice with fried okra.

The lord decided to stop taking and start giving to those remaining on Sunday and Monday
with beautiful sun filled and cloudless skies all captured in the video below.

BIG SHOUT OUT TO :509 Hot slut of the week :Michael C.- Work it Girlfriend.

The Montage :

Week 18: LIVE Blogging!

2008-09-06T10:27:00.007-04:00

Coming to you live from the 509 during Hurricane Hanna - boy can she blow...

Just a sneak preview of what you can expect come Monday.

Are you going to hit me?

CLICK HERE FOR ALL PHOTOS!

Week 17: Trainwrecks and Trannies

2008-09-05T13:32:00.000-04:00

Ok bitches - I know it is a week late. But seriously, I've just now recovered. There's not a whole lot of gossip coming out of the Labor Day house because our lips are sealed tighter than JC's lips around a JELLO shot, but here's a lil top 10 list to whet your interest:

Lesbians take over the basement. They bought a house, y'all.
Viewing room gets put to good use - twice.
Will finally ends his two year dream of becoming Porche's boyfriend. He won, girls! She slipped something in that Southern Comfort she pushed tho.
36 hour hangovers are NOT fun, especially when it means you have to puke the morning after.
"Their ride left them!" ... "Well, it is just 9:30, tell those bitches to get on a train!"
Friday 5pm, hot tub clean. Friday, 12am, hot tub green.
Something fell out of someone's no no hole. Maybe it was the dog. Maybe not.
Ian and Marc decide to "stay all week". We know what that means. Wait, what does it mean?
Mark, Steven, Diego, Jon: Drag queens for a day. Steven looks like Chita Rivera, Mark resembles Charo. And not young Charo. Big glasses Charo.
A new house record: $27 per person!

Ladies, I took exactly three - count em, three - pictures all weekend. Here they are. Maybe some cracked out tranny can send some more? Mark? I call this the "Three Faces of Tavia".

Week 16

2008-08-31T16:16:00.002-04:00

We suck, we didn't get to post the stories of Week 16. Come to think of it, we were rather calm. There were no rafter dances, there were no hot tub orgies. We did, however, get unshockingly drunk at all teas, dances, and afternoons. Here are the pics:

http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=17c2d6ur.7zxcfawj&x=0&y=-q2j7f0&localeid=en_US

Weak 15: Ascending

2008-08-20T11:36:00.011-04:00

The 509 boys have now officially become the Shady Ladies and yet there are 5 more weeks of the 2008 season to-go! This week kicked off with a foursome dinner of Darrick's delicious crab cakes. Even though it rained, most of the boys (we'll get to the one who didn't go later) made it to Karaoke with Ms. Britney Houston and Ms. Carson Kressley. How many times can you listen to a queen massacre Cher or any other diva? Evidently as long as you're pouring gin down your throat, it doesn't matter.

The Long Islander kept telling us it was raining on Friday, but all was sunny and gorgeous on the island. So, of course, we stayed in. Rather than meet the arriving housemates, the hot tub was opened for business and drinks were poured. Friday night, the housemates picked up their VIP All-Access passes to Ascension (a free gift for volunteering) and made it out to Tea and then to the VIP Party. Now, those gift bags were nice. Even nicer when you take two of them. Even nicer when you fill with various other party paraphernalia. What's not nice? Not having any port-a-potties for your drinking guests. It was either go britney in the pool or find a niche - which the helpful tranny did. Go tranny.

Friday finished up with Cherry Grove, Porsche's show, Wet Water Taxi, and Panty Partying. Good times. Poor JC went home before the Panty Party b/c she didn't have her all-access pass ($40, seriously?). Shawn consoled her and sent her home to bed. Then he used her pass to get in...you know, the one he put in his pocket earlier. Crack whores are sneaky.

Saturday gave us Doug's home cookin, twinks on the beach, and the volunteers ran off to the Ascension Float Party. That's a pool party for you queens not in the know. That shit was packed tighter than Porsche's dick in black spandex. They even had ice cream cake and cookies. What stupid lezbo picked the menu for that party? Gays, in speedos, do NOT enjoy empty calories especially in public. We eat those at home, alone, close to the toilet. After the pool party, the vols returned to 509 to discover that all the showers were full and some people were forced to double up. Some also waited - and while they waited found other activities. We don't know what the game was, but J.C. got a pretty good look at it through the window.

Sunday dawned early with the departure of a boatload of twinks from the house. After a short stint at the beach, the volunteers went to Ascension and were told to "have a good time". So much for doing our civic duty. Thank god we got those bags. During the evening hours, there was a housemate shift as Shawn, J.C., David, Doug, and Josh all left the island. Thank God they were replaced with Damian, Jesus, Bryan, Jonthan, and some guy named Drew who slept through dinner. Neighbors were met - pools were raided. Monday and Tuesday were pretty much more of the same.

Wednesday dawned and only two remained. Stamina counts, boys.

LINES TO LIVE BY:
10. The Asian'll do it!
9. Goodbye! Thanks for coming! See you tomorrow!
8. Ain't no party.
7. This party is BREAKING me.
6. My body knows its wrong!
5. He's a really helpful roommate.
4. I *look* light.
3. They found my wallet - but not my dignity.
2. What the fuck are you doing?
1. You wanna touch it?

HOT SLUT OF THE WEEK:
There was major competition this week for the title of HSOTW. On the one hand, there was a repeat performance of a former title-holder. But then there was also some stealth bedroom hopping involving a helpful roommate. But, in the end, we must judge this category based solely on the earning potential of the housemate in question. Earning potential = more tricks.

NAME: Shawn B.
DOB: Sometime between Easter and Canada Day
AKA: Bully, Shawny, my hookup to big pharma

Why he's the hot slut of the week: Well, for weeks now we've been trying to capture the rarest of all photographic footage - the slut in her natural habitat. This has proven elusive. But, in the end, this HSOTW conquered the art of late night panty partying, the mid-afternoon hot tub shower combo, and finally the tea-to-dinner transit tumble. She werqed hard for her money - but all we gave her was a title.

And to satisfy your visual learning needs, here's the video run down of the week:

The Shady Ladies!

2008-08-18T21:04:00.013-04:00

Hey 509 Boys!

We take a momentary break from your normally scheduled blog to update you on the latest exciting news. WE HAVE A NEW HOUSE! We were very lucky to snatch up this gorgeous gem of a house. Some houses are being rented the same day they come on the market.

Thank you to everyone who gave us feedback over the course of the year. We listened and we believe we have picked a house that represents the best of your wish list(s). Some amenities include:

HALF the distance from the dock! (see map below)
A more modern and updated house, yet still comfortable
An inner courtyard with solar heated pool (think Melrose place)
Poolside oversized chaise lounge chairs
Hammock by the pool
Three larger bedrooms which open directly into the pool couryard
Large covered balcony off the living room overlooking the pool
A roof deck with a gorgeous view of the bay w/ table and chairs
An open living room/dining room/kitchen area floorplan
New washer/dryer/kitchen appliances
Two outdoor showers

Our new digs: 283 Shady. (click to enlarge)
I've attached a few initial pics with more to come.

Week 13 - The Dog Days of Summer

2008-08-06T09:56:00.012-04:00

The phrase "Dog days of summer", refers to the hottest, most sultry days of the summer season. They are a phenomenon of the northern hemisphere that usually falls between mid July and early September.

Popularly in Roman and Greek culture believed this to be an evil time "when the seas boiled, wine turned sour, dogs grew mad, and all creatures became languid, causing to man burning fevers, hysterics, and frenzies"

So speaking of man-burning fevers, hysterics and frenzies:

HOT SLUT OF THE WEEK!

Name: Charlie Singer
Age: 28
A.K.A.: Sexy Charlie, C-Dog

Why Charlie is the Hot Slut of the Week:

Now let's not judge (more than we have to)! When you're waiting on the water taxi there is nothing better than swappin' spit with a drunken slut, right? Right! At least that's what the blond girl seems to think here.

I often wish I were a hot slutty blond girl! You know I'd be an uber ho too. I'd totally be on my 4th vagina transplant by now. And from the looks of this proud hooker I think she is too:

What radiant beauty! But it's a damn shame someone let her go out of the house like this. Who told her this outfit was cute? It looks likes even the crabs had enough of this fuckery and attacked her crotch in rage.

Anyfatty, the weekend round-up:

Friday morning the boys began rolling in, skim Caramel Macchiatos in hand. Mark and Charlie were due to arrive Thursday night, however the ferry schedule is printed in all these confusing words (like THURSDAY) with numbers 'n shit so they missed the last Ferry boat. Gurl, Didn't you watch Saturday morning cartoons? Reading is fundamental. Personally I was all about the conjunction junction guy. He was some hot n sexy handkerchiefed shit!

Friday's low tea introduced us to the lovechild of Damian and Steven H. Ok, fine, I admit it! I've been wrong all this time... Two bottoms apparently DO make a top:Friday evening's hot and sticky weather led the charge as the 509 invaded the 507's pool for an impomptu pool party. Willma's cannonball broke a pool floatie in two as she almost drowned herself! Praise Jesus Natalie's chi-chis were there to float Willma to safety. I haven't seen a pair of titties fly into action like this since Baywatch. And to be honest I only watched Baywatch so I could pause the VCR and do sexy times to myself when shirtless life guards came on. It was the softcore porn of my gay youth. I could also make and entire weekend out of an International Male catalog and a locked bathroom door! But that's a story for another time.

Speaking of hot men in brightly colored discount undergarments - Friday's hot and humid evening sauntered into the Pines Underwear party. This weeks Pines underwear party had a nice complement of hot boys too. And I do love the hot boys at the underwear party who know their place. Just stand there and be hot! Nobody really cares what you have to say or what you think excepts for your other Romy and Michelle friends who should also keep their hot yaps shut! You may say "I am hot." and that's it. Other than that you just need to cheese it!

Saturday brought more tantastic beach weather! The gays decided to break out of their cages and explore out beyond the No-Gurl zone. The fences of Cherry Grove were no match Dora and Diego as they braved jellyfish and heterosexuals to bring you back pictures of Sailor's Haven and the Sunken Forest:

That shit is far! A quick app and bevvy to refuel at Jumpin' Jack Lezbo Shack and it was all good again.

Saturday evening brought about the return of Jell-o shots, drunk slut water taxi to the Grove, dinner at the new 'Top of the Bay' and the Ice Palace's worst drag show EVER times infinity plus 2. We only stayed only because the Saturday night Ice Palace is fast becoming the straight (but curious) Palace. Hot straight boys as far as the really drunk and squinting outta one eye could see. But even the promise of curious experimenting in the restroom stalls could not keep us there. A shot at the bar helped us wash the taste of Long Island breeders out of our mouth (Shutup! I know what you're thinking. It's true.). Afterwards we sashayed our way across to Cherries and danced amongst the local vaginatarians. The music was HOT, the boys were hotter and the drinks kept flowing. I keep tellin' you ladies..the party is up in da Grove!

Now Ladies, before I can continue on I have to call out two spies in the house. Last Friday this message was posted on Facebook:

"Our mission this week is to put together enough hear-say and photographic evidence to secure Shawn the title "HSOTW". Are you with me?"

Gurls, gurls, gurls... When I start flapping my vag lips all up and down the boardwalk you may be able to collect enough photographic evidence to ensure my hot sluttiness. Until then this evidence simply won't do:

If this were HOT ELBOW OF THE WEEK I'd totally be a contender.

YAWN! Wake my elbow up when you get something good.

In other failed slutty news our own resident Hillbilly continued her 'Yes I Can.' campaign to become Miss Syphilis 2008 as she cruised the Pines bars looking for dick like a truck stop hooker looking for a extended cab. However our little double-wide trailer was DENIED. Even her old faithfuls threw themselves off the high part of the boardwalk and feigned injury to avoid this mess. Color me not surprised.

Don't worry, gurl, Ascension weekend is coming up. You're just some dilated pupils away from true love!

In late night Saturday news the Dick Dock is now the Fingerbang Dock! Why bother even bringing them back to the house when you can bend your newly made gentleman friend over the nearest trash can. Y'awl boardwalk trade ho's ain't got nothing on our new Week 13 style: THREE FINGER TRASHCAN TRADE!

As Sunday afternoon meandered in the 509 was invaded by a pack of rabid weasel twinks. These crazy ass bobble-heads screeched and twinked through the door, into the house, out the side door into the hottub and were heard all the way down to Tuna. One self-proclaimed twink escort declared herself too expensive for anyone one the island. Bitch is delusional! Why would you pay when you can get the STD for free! Besides, you know she'd totally take it up the ass for a half-eaten Milky Way bar. I can't say that I blame her. I mean they put nougat in that!

Flopping and twinking continued in the hottub as critical world events were discussed until the remaining house mates decided enough was enough and chucked a hair dryer in the hottub. Week 14 may want to pull the fried twinks outta the filter.

The housemates Go'sied off to tea to wrap the weekend up. So without further twinking around myself:

This weekend's Top 10 List:

1.) Charlie vs. words. Ferry Schedule wins, Gurls stranded.
2.) "Dochebag."
3.) "Suck her titties!"
4.)

5.) The Deciduous Sunken Forest
6.) Gender Bender at Cherries.
7.) Finger bangin' on the Dick Dock
8.) Fuzzy Navels at Top of the Bay
9.) "I so chinese!" *click click*
10.) Ace in the hole!

Hugz, extended cabs, Finger-bangin' and remember:

Shawn

A Pictoral Journey Into August

2008-08-05T22:28:00.009-04:00

I'll leave the text-ualizing to my good buddy Shawn, but I wanted to share with you some shots from this past week out on the island. Miss you all and can't believe we've crested into the last 1/2 of the summer!

Charlie and I went looking for the mysterious "Donut Hole." This was as close as we got.

When you walk to Sunken Forest, it feels like the boardwalk will never end.

New house game: when guests drop by for free liquor, put the wig on em and take a picture.

Tea-Off, Friday. Note the to-go cups!

Gays are sneaky. Phase one of operation HSOTW.

Charlie, Mark, Will, & Shawn. Pastels are so hot this season.

Attention Tea-goers: In case of tsunami, these chichis can be used as flotation devices. Love Natalie.

Ok, If you are trashy enough to make out at high tea, we're GOING to take your picture and we're GOING to put it on the blog and yes, we're EVEN going to pose in it.

I call this asian deer in headlights.

Yes, that's a camera I'm holding Jan!

Guess the rule applies to housemates too. Chris P is such a good sport.

What's she thinking? Probably that she needs me to save her from an old man in 10 minutes.

New housemate (for the week) Matt takes on Bianca del Rio. Brush up on your 80's theme songs girl!

Those of you who were at high tea on Sunday night will know that something happened at the very end that DESERVES to be on the blog this week. But I'm going to take care of my little chickies and not post the pictures - they are NSFW AND they involve a brazilian on the bar fully nude. I can't do that to you. Even though I want to. Really bad. Email me and I'll do it.

Week 12 - Pines Party

2008-07-30T16:41:00.061-04:00

Hello Ladies! I realize this post is tardy. I've been "resting" after a bout of "dehydration". I was just released today and after meeting with my parole officer I'm back online!

First off, Let's get this outta the way:

HOT SLUT OF THE WEEK:

Name: Jason "I'm SO wasted!" MacDonald
Age: 35
Why he's the Hot Slut of Week: Explanation would violate this blogs Terms of Service.
Famous quote: "This better not end up on the BLOG!"

Bitch, what do you mean "This better not be on the BLOG"? Of course it's going on the BLOG. Invite me into the bedroom, hand me the camera, ask me to take pictures and expect it not to be on the BLOG? HELLO! I'm gunna blog and text and post and host, pod-cast that shit from Long Island to Taiwan. Have you met me?

So Pines Party weekend... For those not familiar with this wet crack queef of a panty party it is an annual all-night beach dance charity event. I have no idea what charity but at $180 a ticket there must be a lot of Cambodian kids wearing Andrew Christian square cuts about now. And let's be real those little starving bitches are the only one who can fit into that Andrew Christian shit anyhow.

Anytranny, this years party was Big Top Circus themed. Although from the looks of these nelly hos jumping around and humping the air to Donna Summer there was not a big top to be found. I was also under the impression for a beach party that most people would go in beach attire. Wrong. I shoulda known the gays would not miss a chance to dress-up like a bunch of homeless LA prostitue crack heads. There were Ass-clowns and sword swollowers, [Cock]Ringmasters and Bearded Ladies (By the way who keeps letting the lesbians in?). I haven't seen such messy dressed up drugged out queens since... well... last weekend.

The party raged on 'til the the wee hours of the morn. As the party wound down and God turned the ugly lights on most of the fags scattered like cockroaches in a Raid commercial. I can relate too I know moderate light has ruined more of my love life! Anyhow the crowd thinned' til 6am when the heavens opened and poured down to wash out the last few asian tweekers from the party. The rain continued through most of the day as the Pines Party boys washed back to the mainland. You shoulda seen some of these cracked-out ho's staggering outta there. Didn't Mommy teach you to drink a full glass of water between each coke line. These dumb hos don't know nothing about nothing these days.

On Monday evening the remaining 509 boys and two guest lesbians (seriously... who keep letting them in?) attended a lovely cocktail party with a set of older gentlemen in their gay golden years. The party was quaint and charming... Well... that is 'til I got a couple cocktails in me. Three Vodka/7's later I tried pushing them all into the pool to re-enacting Cocoon. "IN THE POOL WILFRED BRIMLEY!"

I wonder why I don't get invited to more parties. Oh well. At tea we were introduced to the all new BLUE BRITNEY! OoOOoO. Now at first a sense of awe washed over us as we realized we were the first fags to try the new Vodka laden concoction. Then we realized the Blue Whale was just outta regular lemonade and chucked some blue Kool-Aide in our $12 drinks figuring the fags wouldn't know. Do you know who we is?! Ok, we were too drunk to notice the prices going up $2 since May. We scoffed but accepted the smaller cup sizes. But DON'T FUCK WITH THE BRITNEY. We handled the situation well though. So if you see the wet blue Britney stained waiter at low tea tell him "Hey Gurl" for us. Fuck him with a Sour Patch Kid!

Now this weeks Top 10 List is taking a week off. I have been horribly negligent in my duties as snarky blogger. There have been a plethora of pics and stories that have come through my inbox I have yet to commentate on. I sowwy. Three dick slaps to myself and here we go!

TOP 10 PICTURE WEEK:
(Click to englarge at your own risk.)
Ok, What in tucked-n-taped Tranny hell is going on here? I never did get the story but the 'Wanna see my roof deck' body language says it all, doesn't it?

You think she fucks for tacos? I'm pretty sure I've seen her workin' the Taco Bell down on 23rd.

Speaking of the roof deck... someone was a little excited.

Gurl, take that thing out to the rice paddy and wash it off once in awhile.

HOLY GAY HAIR HELL! Ok, first of all, Tranny, I love a Ricky's Halloween in July sale as much as the next fag, but you don't wear that shit out!

Second, when did Robert get a raging case of scoliosis? Didn't you bend over in 3rd grade and get checked for that shit? You can stand up now, bitch!

Lastly, Tranny.. when you go to the bar and exlaim you'd like to get banged from both sides; YOU NEED TO MORE SPECIFIC!

Are you taing notes, ladies? THIS is how you do it! Who is this fine piece of peepaw ass? I'd totally hit that. Unfortunately this peepaw is picky and won't fuck just any dirty whore... oh well, there go my chances.

I still love him. Hair - flawless. Outfit - perfect. It's 89 degrees out and he's rockin the summer scarf and not a spot of sweat on his perfectly chiseled brow. He's my peepaw hero.

Y'awl bitches need to learn to be more fashion forward with your accessory choices!

Perhaps not.... Anyone see Batman yet?

Look at the stretch on this boys mouth! This is what you get after going down on Adam...

I don't even wanna see his ass. Ok, I sorta do.

Seriously.. this gurl needs to wear a veil... of lead.

My first three-some for the weekend.

Which of course led to my second...

Oh Snap! Payback is shady fag with a camera phone. I'll never call you hos out again. Pinky swear!

Ok, I fibbed.
Bitch, doesn't your boyfriend read this BLOG? It was hard to choose from the 47 licking, canoodling, grabbing, poking and being poked pics. Gurl, when your man wants to do murder times with you I am not responsible. Maybe a little... ;)

Seriously, just suction your shaved vaginas together and get it over with.

Well we finally found out what happened to Waldo Geraldo Faldo from "Family Matters."

This make me want to deep throat an entire row of Oreo cookies. You know even Cookie Monster would want to tap that from the back and blow an Oreo creampie!

And from the elevation of Mark's leg it looks like his private cookie is ready for it.

For the un-initiated. This is rafter dancing. It's usually done in various states of undress and inebriation. Frequently photographer by lesbians. (Seriously.. someone needs to lock a door.)

What's the security deposit on the house anyhow? Cuz that shit is gone. I'm pretty sure the insurance does not cover hookers rubbing their chocha on the ceiling.

And with that I'm out like last nights trick.

Peace, Lurve, Rafter-dancing and three-somes,

Shawn

As a gift to you trannies who missed it here is the 2008 Pines Party CD link: http://www.zshare.net/download/15439311811ddd6e/

WEEK 12

2008-07-30T00:30:00.006-04:00

....... and cue in snoring sound.....

Did Homo UFO's come nab the cast of 509 this week, or did they possibly get the "girl down" syndrome from Pines Party overexposure?

Inqueering minds want to know.

Judy's doing M&M's - Manchester and Martinis, that is.

2008-07-26T15:06:00.004-04:00

Well, we all knew the time was coming. 509 gathered at Therapy last week to wish a bon voyage to Greg H. who is leaving us at the end of the month to move to the mo-tropolis of Manchester, UK. He's got a 2 BR girls - ROAD TRIP!

Some pictures from the fun, for your viewing pleasure. Make sure you have a Kleenex for whatever bodily fluids your reaction calls for.

There she is -isn't she beautiful?

Miguel, Damian, and Steven: The heartbreaking trio.

Bryan is doing something to J.C. She's workin that hat tho.

Joseph proved that not just lesbians can work a faux-hawk. WORK.

DoraLee, Judy, and Violet: Together Again. We'll be on Broadway soon, you know.

Craig and Greg. I think Greg might have been done.

You may be gone...

2008-07-23T17:30:00.002-04:00

...but your DVDs will live on and on. And on. And on at the 509. At least Season 1.

Week 11 - July 20, 2008 - Another Banged Up Weekend

2008-07-20T16:06:00.014-04:00

The boys of 509 Fisherman were back in full frontal force this weekend as Adam, Darrick and Guest Star Bobwen maintained the grounds during the full week. After Week 10's Hot Slut and entourage departed on Tuesday, Adam and Darrick transformed the 509 into a high class dining establishment - at least during the evenings. Intimate dinners for 3 were made each evening with the backdrop of quiet chirping, warm summer air, and candlelight to warm the soul.

The hours other than 8-11 pm, however, were different. While Darrick and Bobwen commuted to and from the city, Adam made the 509 a personal oasis of unabashed naturalism. Although he brought many forms of clothing, none was worn during the day in the house. Or on the beach for that matter. And after 11pm, when the Commuters retired to bed, Adam went out to explore the Island of Fire and to make contact with the few restless natives wandering the dark looking for human interaction. All forms of enjoyment were successful.

A PERSONAL TIP FROM ADAM: During the week, lay on the beach alone. Being naked is a plus. People will talk to you. You will talk to them. Highjinks might ensue.

And so it begins...

Thursday was split wide open with the arrival of Will S., award-winning housemate (see below), Felipe and Tyler. Although arrivals were late, booze was had and the rafters were warmed up for a dance after the disaster of low and high teas. The Island remained sparse but Will and Adam tore it up, made some friends at the Tea, hit on a few (obnoxious) boys at the Fresh Market, made dinner and promptly passed out on the couches. A sudden awakening at 2am put Will into bed and thrust Adam out the door to visit the Slip and Hurl. The S&H was deserted but the patrons were still lingering about nearby, looking to make new friends. And new friends were made by all. In fact, 4 or 5 new friends at once. Gay men are so friendly as they roam the streets.

Friday was greeted by the arrival of the entire crew: Special Guest Steven H., Housemate Chris P. and Guest Terry, Mr. Ian, and the end of work. Once again, Tea was had and friends were made. And herein began the award for HOT SLUT OF THE WEEK:

Congratulations Mr. Will! As the saying goes, where there's a Will, there's a way. And he had his way with multiple friends.

The evening was celebrated with the visit to the Pines underwear party. Let's just say this: No air conditioning, closed windows, about 200 boys in underwear, OK music, expensive watered-down drinks, and no sex whatsoever. Our recommendation: Return to Cherry Grove for the real undie show and side events.

Shout outs are in order to Guest Terry who caught trying to break into the locked gate because, well, the main doorway can be tricky to find when you've had 15 Britneys. Luckily, Adam escorted him into the 509, showed him the wonders of the hot tub, which he seemed to perk up to almost immediately. Terry gets another shout out for not only being a tremendous chef (which he is) but for being tremendous in other ways. Congrats Terry!

On Saturday, low and high tea were attended, drinks were made, Mr. Ian had a housefull of heterosexuals who loved the gays, and it's hard to say what exactly happened except that we have a new award to give - the Butterfly Award goes to Guest Bobwen for coming to both high and low tea unescorted, spreading her wings, and flying into the middle of the Tea, head held high, drinks in each hand, camera snapping, and meeting all sorts of boys, men, Bartenders, DJs, and everything in between. If ever there was a Tea Star, it was Bobwen. Bobwen, have another drink because this party's for you!

Bobwen's instructions for taking the perfect picture: pose, snap, observe, scream like a 12 year old girl at a Jonas Brothers concert.

Dinner by Darrick was a fabulous display of meats, vegetables, and cheeses. Rafters were swung, boys were eating, girl was there, and we learned that Gay Backpay is a bitch. Whilst some of the boys were watching Porsche perform, Adam found a new friend at the S&H who visited the 509. At the very climax of the visit, Mr. Will busted open the door, became dumbfounded, and just stared at the two shadowed figures intertwined in the main viewing room.

As I mentioned, Gay Payback is a bitch because...

...Will then went bedroom hopping. The HSOTW just couldn't find a room to call one's own. So he tried the middle, only to be abruptly interrupted by a determined Tyler looking for some sleep. Oh well. Why not try another room? Good idea. And better idea that Chris P. was so willing to visit the other room just to say hello. Girl interrupted, yet again. Eventually it was just called quits as the roof deck (green card penetration central) was being carefully eyed by all.

Once the romp potential was sufficiently smothered, the 509 boys just couldn't find a reason to go to bed. Guest Eric of Ian was unable to put on clothing and lingered in a towel. Chris, Terry, Will, Adam, Steven, and Felipe ate. Until about 5am, just eating. This is strange because eating is for girls, not men. Each soon passed out in various parts of the house, food dripping down their chins, on their hands, in their loins.

So in all, it was a weekend not of total debauchery but of total hedonism in food, drink, nakedness, freedom of expression, and personal development. The house is prepared for the rest of July to be as hot and moist as this past week and we're looking forward to great things from you.

Bobwen, Adam, Darrick enjoy Low Tea.

Will, Adam, Steven enjoy High Tea.

Will and Steven cocktailing pre-Tea.

Felipe and Eric doing something random.

Chris P. and Tyler. He's thrilled to be there.

Photos here:

Darrick's

Will's

Post Weekend Update: Darrick has been hired as the official DJ of the Meatrack. Look for him there days and nights!

Week 10: Like White on Rice!

2008-07-14T12:11:00.031-04:00

Jesus, Mary, Joseph Christian, the Saints and Apostles.. where do I begin to summarize this weekends Tom-fuckery?

Let's start at the top.. er bottom.. er top:

HOT SLUT OF THE WEEK!:

J.C.P.
a.k.a Margaret Cho, Tricia Takinawa
Birthday: August 13, 1967
Age: 41
Why he is the Hot Slut of the Week:
Taking the Viewing Room to whole new level! The roof level that is! Fuck the hot-tub... that is SO week of June 20th.

The Re-cap:

Friday started with the boys sashaying in with Stoli in hand. The freezer was a gay pride flag of flavored vodkas. Orange, Citron, Blueberri, Rasperberri, Blackberri and green shot glasses. And why does Stoli end their flavors with "i". That is so gay! I'm going to start calling myself Shawni just so I can be that gay. Who I am kidding... I already am that gai! Where's my drink?

Speaking of gay, this weeks fashion update: The gold shoes of the house are OVER. No one wears those broke down old things anymore. The gold shoes have now been replaced by the gold wig. A big 509 'Hey Gurl' shout out to Kimmie Gibbler:

She's giving Face.

In International news Friday evening brought Gay Marriage to the fore-front of the 509. Our own Zsa Zsa Becker was gay-married three times and subsequently gay divorced three times JUST between low tea and high tea alone. Here is Adam's first husband... ummm "French guy":

Go for zuh [cock] ring, gurl!

But the white pants party didn't stop there! Friday night marched on through the Meat-rack and into Cherry Grove. The 509 invaded the Panty Party at the Ice Palace. And let me tell you I haven't seen this much penis since I pirated Sean Cody SuckFest #5. Fuck the Pines underwear party... it's all about the Grove. Free shots and circle-jerks is how it should be. Ok, technically it was a square, not a circle, but you get the dick-sucking picture. A return tromp through the Meat-rack with intermittent stops for blowjobs and back to the house. The house mates gently drifted off into sleepy-times to the sounds of green-card penetration on the roof.

Saturday gave us perfect beach weather until late afternoon when God sent high tide to reclaim the beach. That bitch don't play neither. Faggot, get out of the pool means faggot get out of the pool. Far from discouraged the gays just moved over to the hot-tub. And for those concerned: The 'No-Swim' advisory has been lifted for the tub. It had a double-enema-total-scrub-down and water replace after 4th of July Tranny-bacchanalia. Sparkly clean and newly chlorinated spring water was enjoyed for half a day until the lesbians decided to dip their dirty engorged lesbian labias in it. What was left over resembles the water in the can after you've taken all the tunafish out.

Saturday afternoon the 509 welcomed by the LGBT group from Mercer Consulting. Crystal Lite shots lubed up the boys as Mercer boy, Ben, was passed around by the housemates like some pure Jamaican shit at a Snoop Dog concert. And P.S. No more Crystal-Lite shots.. that shit tastes like day-old dog piss. Bust out the Tang like some Klassy bitches do. Also while I'm at it no more Golden Girls DVD. The maid is starting to complain about cleaning your snail-trails off the screen from rubbing your vaginas all over the TV for these old broads. Those Golden Bitches shoulda been arrested for doing that to lovely pastel prints.

Saturday tea was more Britney's, more boys and our introduction the the 6'3 super-hung boardwalk trade, named Fabio. Yes, Fabio. 6'3 inches of cocoa-skinned love-for-sale. Fabio accompanied us back and gave us a Fabio-show in the hot-tub while taco dinner was prepared and Miss Mike booty-danced to herself in the mirror. And just let me say taco dinner was of da muther effin' hiz-zook! In fact it was so good the naked boys in the hot-tub decided it was too bothersome to put on clothes for dinner and Naked Taco night was born. Just as the launch to this week's iPhone was not without some problems on the back-end, so was the launch of Taco Night:
Post naked tacos, the house Guest Policy was updated to clarify sub-section 4.2 titled: 'Tricks' in which the conditional clause of 'Put out or get out' was added. Once ratified Fabio and his "willing to do anything" generously proportioned buttocks was bounced from the premises due to non-payment of services rendered. Down-heart Fabio threw his penis over this shoulder and sauntered out in search of the next taco. I mean seriously folks who hasn't whored their ass out for tacos and hottubbing? I know I've put out for Arby's alone. Say what you want but Horsey Sauce is GOOD.

Saturday evening showed us more roof-deck sexy time (Video is banned by this Blogs 'Term of Service'). But to summarize the video should be entitled: 'WHO ORDERED THE STICKY RICE?' After a uneventful fruit loop to the Dick Dock and Sip 'n Twirl the 509 landed in bed early. Miss Mike passed out on the couch, legs splayed open. Here's hopin', gurl!

Sunday wrapped up with Cinnamon rolls, coffee and a return to the beach.

So without further ado:

This weeks "Write that shit down!" list:

1.) "I can't do this in public. If I get caught I get deported."
[subnote: He did it anyway.]
2.) "Will you sit on my face while I jerk off?"
3.) Hightide vs. Blackberry. Hightide wins, Crackberry fried.
4.) "Miss Mike passed out in the hot-tub! Quick, someone give her mouth-to-bangs!"
5.) Naked Taco Night.
6.) "Shut ur fuckin' face, Muppet-fucker!"
7.) Put out or get out.
8.) Wendy Ho performing live. "Ho. It ain't cuz I'm Asian, Bitch."
9.) "You are Trash."
10.)"I can top!"

For full weekend pics click here.

Til next weekend peace out, love and circle-jerks,
Shawn

P.S. Although the house only fits 8 housemates and 94 guests per week. The housemates of week 10 wished you all were here:

Sunset in the Pines July 10th, 2008.

Mid-week-ness at 509 Fisherman's Path and other reflections

2008-07-10T19:08:00.011-04:00

As I sit here on the beach - sunny Fire Island Pines on my 7th consecutive vacation day, I cannot help but to recollect and reminisce of July 3rd - 10th. I usually spend a whole week at the beach out here every year but this is by far one of my fav's.

Now that things have "simmered down" and my alcohol consumption and misc. have slowed, I can finally post some randomness from the 509.

As most of you have already seen the previous posts from "4th of July Invasion of the Drag Queens"- see pic :

-it's quite the most unusual and crazy time. However it is also this other unknowness at 509 and at the Pines in general on the Tuesday's - Thursday's that I have loved.

It's very quite, no crowds of Louis Vuitton toting, Britney Spears drinking ladies from the city, rather more like out of towners vacationing, a random gay dad couple with some kids. It's very chill and relaxing. You are on your own and can hang out by yourself, think, draw, budget, create, sing, jerk it in the bushes and no one is around.

As you have all gathered, we at the 509 compound LOVE our top 10 lists. Without further a -do.... I give you out first TOP 10 Tracks overheard and loved this week of JULY 3-10th:

1. Sugar Walls - Sheena Easton

2. The Star Spangled Banner - Whitney Houston

3. Girls just wanna have fun! - Cyndi Lauper

4. Deeper and Deeper - Madonna

5. Let it Snow, Let it Snow - Dean Martin

6. I'm Horny - Mousse T

7. Honey - Mariah Carey

8. Naughty Girls Need Love Too - Samantha Fox

9. L.E.S. Artiste - Santogold

10. Dude (Looks Like a Lady) - Aerosmith

In closing, I had a truely remarkable time here on my summer vacation week and will leave you all with one I keep close to my heart. Miss Betty Butterfield on Hot, Hot, Pentecostal men :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ara8M9EQs30

I'll officially be back at the share mid August for my ?? Birthday- and to all of our fans of 509 all over the world, - Keep dialing and smiling and feel free to start posting comments.

TOMMY

The Fairy Schedule!

2008-07-09T12:39:00.008-04:00

I HATE math. I hate math more than I hate the GED that works behind the counter at Jamba Juice and always fucks up my order! WHEY protein boost, not SOY! Soy is for pussies, Republicans and guys in Chelsea named 'Brian'. God, I hate Brian... and soy.

Anytranny, here is my 4th of July gift to you! (I know it's the 9th, but I've been hung-over since last Thursday... Sue me.) THE FAIRY SCHEDULE! Now you don't have to figure out which train you have catch to ensure maximum boozin' and whorin' time. MmMmm.. boozin' and whorin'!

http://www.fairyschedule.com/

and for you iPhone whores and CrackBerry-heads the mobile link:

Mobile link

Love and Ass-Rockets
Shawn

Week 9: This Month's Vanity Flair

2008-07-07T15:32:00.004-04:00

Inside this month's edition of Vanity Flair, Dominick Dunne investigates the eerie similarities between one Ms. Josh * and Ethel Kennedy.

At left, Ethel Kennedy. At right, Josh * poses with Mamie Eisenhower.

The Gapening: Liveblogging Invasion of the Pines

2008-07-04T09:57:00.032-04:00

Throughout the course of the day, I will be adding posts to keep our friends on the mainland informed of goings-on.

3:30 am: Why does it always end with 5 people in the hot tub? New this time was smoking out of a 5 dollar bill.

1:00 am: Underwear party it is.

9:30 pm: Fireworks on the roofdeck.

7:00 pm: 509 goes to Tea. Does anyone remember what we did? Or who... Shirley? Did Tommy ever come back? These questions, and more, remain mysteries of the island.

5:49 pm: Well, we're back from the Invasion. New meaning to 'Hot tranny mess'. I'm too drunk to type. Here are some pictures from the adventure - along with some video clips!

Click play to see the Super Delegates invade the Meat Market. "I need a cocktail Josh Starr." Enjoy:

Is that Tommy tucking?

"Aqua Net works for me!"

The Super Del's fix their hair.

Next month's Vanity Fair cover.

Hal takes on gay marriage on the boardwalk.

Ethel Kennedy and Mamie Eisenhower tell you to vote Obama!

Tommy and Doug have a moment on the boardwalk. Note the stream.

Ethel Kennedy goes topless while Miss Missouri gets a feel.

10:53 am: Still cooking. SERIOUSLY?

9:58 am: Day has just started. Tommy, Douglas, and Josh are still in the crackden sleeping. Somehow I don't think they are going to make their 10am fitting at Hal's house. This blogger wants to know - is it ethical to wake these sleeping beauties or should we wait and see what happens?

Roozbeh is cooking breakfast. I've never seen so many eggs before. Anthony just looked at his ass, which evidently, is as smooth as prickly-pear fruit.

BLIND ITEM: Which two housemates pushed their beds together last night? In the immortal words of some queen on the boardwalk, "It's ON!"

Thursday evening's events - use the comments section to discuss what YOU think is going on!

Reflections from an Islaholic.

2008-07-03T13:02:00.014-04:00

As any good blogger or Carrie Bradshaw-wannabe knows, it is important to be both reflective AND questioning when writing to inspire and inform the proletariat. I've been on the island for 7 days now, and here are just a few of this week's reflections and maybe one or two questions...

I've been told it is good luck to be pooped on by a bird. But how about if a shopgirl does it while you're pounding her in the viewing room? Either way, there's one housemate who is set.

"Attagirl" has become the new house mantra. As in, "I just tripped over Michael Musto in the Meat Rack and may have blown him." "Attagirl."

Every fourgie in the hot tub is different. I don't think that one needs to be explained. Documented, yes, but never explained.

One hears the strangest things in the Pines. Here are two of my favorite examples:

Person 1: What's this Summer Solstice store?
Person 2: They don't sell underwear or sunglasses, you're not interested.

Person A: So, how do you know XXXX, the guy you bought your share from?
Person B: He was sleeping with my boyfriend.

Bartenders come and go (so long Rick and Dan!), but good friends are forever! For your viewing pleasure, some pictures of the housemates....random trade and guests included occasionally.

Week 8.5: An Ethnographic Study of the Mating Rituals of the Northeastern, North American Homosexual Male

2008-07-02T16:42:00.008-04:00

Submitted by one Greg H.

As the Gayrillas In the Mist post set the tone, the Sunday to Wednesday crowd began the anthropological study of the Northeastern, North American Homosexual. The Possidente brothers, along with Jesus, arrived from the traditional family wedding, as gays do make the perfect party guest. While Will and Greg dulled their commuting pain at a fabulous Pride Party celebrating the world of Global Gays, Lesbians and Transgenders, not even Mother Nature could stem the tide of marching gays, but we were left with the question of .... Does a wet tranny wig act as a lightning rod when wet?

This may have been the distracting issue that consumed Will and Greg as they missed their connecting train at Jamaica, were verbally insulted by the conductor on their way to Babylon, realized they may not make the last ferry until.....Will's loving admirer, Dennis the Taxi Driver, ensured our safe arrival at the Sayville Docks. Yes, the 9:30 ferry was made, disappointingly the bar was closed but resources abound and the distinct onset of sobriety was squashed immediately. While a short trip, Dennis shared his Parliaments, cranked Leona Lewis in pure pride fashion, showed us Sayville proper which is an adorable village and perhaps showed a bit more of his gay side than perhaps the taxi garage usually allows. HMMMM......the study is officially underway.

509 Fisherman's was now a buzz with gays, dinner underway, beer in lieu of Vodka (Damn the hours at the harbor liquor store!), a slight fog from cigarettes and is that the hot tub I hear in the distance. A lovely evening had by all until the Mother Nature decided to torment us one last time with a lightning display and thunder that shook us out of bed. Ahhh, but dawn breaks and its another day for sun, neighbors, beach, Vodka and most importantly.....Is it tea time because we really like the neighbors?!? So we contemplate....Does having WELCOME WAGON tattooed on your lower back make you friendly or easy???

So now we must give a huge shout out to the boys on the corner, John, Craig, Matthew and their crew!! Little did we know how the "Friendly Neighbor" policy would bring such life to a few quiet weekdays on Fire Island. Quiet? Oh yeah, most of you have met us. Low Tea and High Tea brought a mix of past tricks, recent tricks and future tricks. Washed in a sea of Britney's and Planter's Punch we're left with various scenarios of the proper trick etiquette. First, it's too early in the night to commit to the recent trick, secondly, the old trick can at least nod in your general direction despite he's traveling with his boyfriend, and lastly, the new trick, just keep reeling that boy in. As always the death defying walk home, impromptu underwear party on the boardwalk and yes, that's definitely the Hot tube rumbling in the night air. So join the neighbors for a drink on their deck and invite them back for a relaxing soak in the hot tube. Hands above the water?? HELL NO, relax and enjoy the roaming limbs, that French Kiss and did you see that backside glistening in the moonlight? Yes, the mating patterns of the Northeastern, North American Hmsxl.

Tuesday dawns with a Birthday celebration for Will, brunch, champagne and the age old question - Where are the neighbors? A sad good-bye to Will and Jesus, another day of tanning and skin crack and an open invitation to the neighbors pool in order to kill a bottle of Vodka. The afternoon was lovely including how many bottle's of vodka, frolicking about the deck, and the resurgence of that age old question... Is the Malacchi Crunch fact or fiction? This anthropologist has been a long time studier of the issue and the results are still inconclusive? Besides, at times the truth is ugly, so please allow the myth to live, as it offers material to the less imaginative gays in our midst. A heartfelt good-bye to those neighbors leaving, a dinner and hot tube invitation to the lone survivor and the days close with a sad Wednesday morning ferry.

The study concludes with the sad tale of "the one that got away". A boy does his job, groomed prepped and ready to roll, he enters the game and immediately casts himself a long line with a sturdy hook. The evening is sheer perfection and so are you ..... the tan is golden, wardrobe superb, the accessories alone put you in a class of your own. You sip your cocktail through an over sized straw, queue the head toss with laughter, because yes, you are having the time of your life and there it is. You get a tug on the line and you've got the big one on your hook. It's not gonna' be easy but you settle in for the long haul and start reeling in "the big one". After hours of work and struggle, you pull the line out of the hot tub and before you know it "the big one" got away. Even more slippery than the soap in cell block D, your catch of the day is back out sea for yet another hook to hopefully bite on!

So here's the question: Once the spheres are blue and the big one gets away......to quote my dear friend Clairee, "Would you call those Grape or Aubergine?"

Week 8: Gayrillas in the Mist

2008-06-30T10:17:00.017-04:00

A marine layer is an air mass which develops over the surface of a large body of water in the presence of a temperature inversion. The inversion itself is initiated by the cooling effect of the cold water on the surface layer of a warm air mass. The layer thickens gradually increasing its humidity by evaporation, as well as by the effect of cooling itself thus resulting in a thick layer of fog. Simply put it is a stratus cloud that forms at ground/sea level when hot air and cold water get together and do a "special hug".

So WTF does 6th Grade science class have to do with this weekend? Well, if you had made it down to Fire Island Beach Saturday afternoon you would have witnessed happy white clouds having sexy time with the ocean. And the thick wet fog was only on the beach stopping just short of the dunes! I can relate... once you get a good spot on the beach, you stay there and guard that shit! So did this weather freaky-freaky stop any of the gays from getting their Saturday beach time on? HELLZ TO THE NO! FOAM PARTY, BITCHES! Ok, technically it wasn't foam, it was mist. But let's not get picky when you combine zero visibility and horny gay men. The less I can see of their face the better!

In my infinite genius I tired to take a picture for y'awl, but if you take a picture of fog.. well it just turns out foggy. Duh. To paint the picutre for you with words: It was like in the movie 'The Fog' when the oogie boogies with glowing eyes lumbered out of the of the mist and you just KNEW they wanted to get you. Excepts in this scene the otherworldly monsters were just tweaked out Asians. Update: Apparently there was a book too but until NetFlix figures out how to stuff the book and someone to read it to me in little US Postal Service approved envelopes I'm all about the push n' play.

To continue on with our Stephen King novel of a weekend, an impromtu underwear party on the boardwalk resulted in Will losing his freshly bought packet of $10 cigarettes. We had to walk back and try and find them but never did. I wonder what had happened?

Saturday night climaxed with yet another Fourgie in the hottub. I'm going to stop reporting on fourgies in the hottub. When a weekend goes by and four vodka-soaked hos aren't playing hide the cherry pits in the hottub THAT will be real news! Besides it's only a matter of time until HazMat swoops in and quarantines that crack-tub. I'm thinking they will need a huge tent like the one in E.T. when E.T. turned all white 'n shit after a weekend bender with Elliot and passed out for a couple days. I know how that is... I call it 'Sunday'.

The party wrapped early the next morning after we had breakfast with one of the fourgie tricks from the night before. Yes, he stayed! Personally I never stay. I need to get home while it's still dark so Jesus can't see what I've been doing!

A quick Bloody Mary and bagel and we were peace out en route to the NYC Pride Parade. And here's the weekend Top 10:

1.)Bro! Tranny mess, Dude!
2.) "You're a fucking cunt!"
3.) "Are you about to cum?" "NOT EVEN CLOSE!"
4.) Saturday night's dinner!
5.) Will spraying his drink through his nose all over afore mentioned dinner.
6.) Getting our asses pounded by the Water Taxi
7.) Grove Underwear Party vs. Pines Under party. Pines wins, Grove UG-LAY!
8.) KNEE HERPES!
9.) Chasing lesbian midgets through the Ice Palace.
10.) Kathrine Harris.
XO
Shawn
P.S. Shout out to Nigeria, Germany and China!

A Deeper LOVE

2008-06-26T16:58:00.003-04:00

HAPPY PRIDE 509 !

Blind Item

2008-06-23T09:54:00.001-04:00

These three housemates were spotted at the Folsom Street East festival. No pictures allowed.

Week 7: It's a Sunshine Day!

2008-06-23T09:26:00.014-04:00

Guidos and Greencards and Girls, OH MY!

This weekend waved buh-bye to Spring and Hey Gurl!'ed in the start of one Hot Sizzling Sloppy Slurpin' Fat-Ass Summer™. Questionable monogamy dominated the house as lurve and legs were in the air. (Note to self: Look into camera with a flash). And who says couple are boring?! Well, besides me of course! This weekend turned out to be filled with more color than Jesus' turkey. A brief recap for all those who missed it due to a circle-jerk at the Fulsom Street Fair:

The boys swished in Friday afternoon and the booze ran-aplenty! The Blackberry Vodka was gone quicker than a 23-year-olds humility on the side deck. That stuff is slut-juice in a bottle! Our Friday night staggered to tea and culminated with a bang (or two) as the hottub was once again violated more than the guest policy. Saturday awoke and started it's slow and gentle slide in with coffee from Bay Bar. This weekend Bay Bar Coffee shop specials included a free warning the Feds are busting people in the Meat-Rack with every medium coffee purchase (jail sentences may apply)! A hot Saturday afternoon brought frozen mixed cocktails, perfect 10 beach weather and Ann B. Davis . 'Four Minutes to Save the World' (From here on known as "That fucking 4-minutes song" was played every 4 minutes all over the Island and thus pulling ahead as this summers theme song. Low tea soon followed then high tea then dinner with Guest Chef Michelle! (Shout out to my home-girl Michelle! DETROIT-METRO-REGION IN DA HOUZE!" Sunday woke up from it's Estonian hang-over and the clouds rolled in as the crowds rolled out. One more low tea to wrap-up this weekend, kiss him goodbye without him waking up to the damn coins jangling in your pocket as your trying to silently put your pants back on. .37 cents has ruined more early-morning get-aways.... I digress.

A very special thanks to all who wrote down the lamest quotes of the weekend for the BLOG. I've filed them in an extra special place for later. I'll get them out soon as my coffee kicks in.

So without further ado:

This weeks top 10:
1.) Double penetration in the hottub.
2.) "Excuse me. Can you get my lube for me?"
3.) Michelle vs. wave. Wave wins, Girl down.
4.) "I'm too lazy to masturbate. I outsource it to a Mexican."
5.) Nachos and tacos!
6.)
7.) "I wasn't in the meat rack last night! Oh.. this morning? Yes, that was me."
8.) The Donut Hole - Fact or Fiction?

9.) Shrimping with Lina.
10.) Britney's v.s Planter's Punch. Britney's wins, Gurl drunk.

XO
Shawn

Week 6: (Bot)Toms and Trannies

2008-06-15T16:24:00.006-04:00

The funny thing about this blog post - I began it on Sunday and gave it its existing title. Read to the end and find out why the title became even more appropriate. Fierce. Fierce tranny.

This weekend began with gorgeous weather on Friday and Saturday and ended in thunderstorms and a rainy Sunday afternoon. We were greeted by a lovely art installation in the dining area consisting of a painted piece of cardboard and a double-headed dildo. Delightful.

Reflections on a weekend just past:

Tommy L. likes bears. And boys. And twinks. Well, it would be easier to talk about what he *doesn't* like.
Greg and Will are not allowed to go to the pantry after high-tea. Drunken diva grocery shopping results in large bills.
Mark and Tavia have taught us the wonders of pineapple on a skewer. Damian takes credit, but doesn't he always?
Josh continues to embrace the board short look. Could it be because anything with less fabric would smother the 9th housemate?
"Tom" is the gay name of the season. We had three in the house this weekend. We think some of them made it with each other.
Porsche is a brunette!

And just to give the boys who left on a Sunday a taste of what they missed, I give you, our evening:

5:50pm - Josh, Damian, and Greg depart; Tommy, Tom, Mark, and Tavia wait for Will at Tea
6:00pm - Will showers, reunites with the Supremes, I mean, housemates
6:30pm - Housemates join up with Hal's House and take the water taxi to the Grove. Someone may have gone overboard. He probably wasn't cute anyway.
6:45pm - "The Pines Boys" descend upon Porsche's 6:00pm show. Russian splits are performed, drinks are spilled, lesbians insulted, and a young girl became a mother - and that was just what we did!
8:00pm - Queens are mesmerized by the Tonys - Pines Boys go to Jumping Jacks and make friends with 19yo Katie. Shots are poured. Sangria is brought in by the carafe. An entire restaurant leaves feeling soiled.
9:30pm - Water Taxi is missed. Pines Boys take to the Meat Rack. Hal only reports being accosted once. Tommy scared the rest away.
10:00pm - Following a brief hot tubbing, DRAG SHOW AT HAL's. Tommy has embraced chiffon drapes this year while we discovered that Will looks hot in a black sack mini dress. Below you will see, at left, Hot Boy Matt, and at right, Tommy Long. Quite the ladies.
11:30pm - Tommy and Tom leave Hal's. mmmm hmmmmm
12:30am - Mark and Tavia leave Hal's. Will remains, hoping to make it with one of the two cute boys.
2:30am - Will and Hot Boys come to 509 in search of a hotter tub.
3:00 am - Hot Boy Joe decides that Mark and Tavia REALLY SHOULD be in the 509 hot tub, so he just goes into their room.
4:00 am - Hot Boys go home.
Some point between 6am and 9am, Mark leaves the Island.

And that, gentlemen, is how we do it on 509 Fisherman's Path.

Week 5 - Lips are Sealed.

2008-06-12T08:52:00.002-04:00

So, no one knows what went down this weekend, but this blogger got a very mysterious message on Facebook this morning:

"have i got some stories for you about your beloved 509 fisherman's path! rapists, stalkers, hobbits, pokers, people sleeping on the roof, threesomes.... and that was over the course of 8 days. house of fun!"

Discuss in comments.

Week 4 - Spring into June

2008-06-02T10:14:00.006-04:00

This week brought the return of ceiling-beam dancing, Jell-O shots, Parade du StreetTrade and Guido-love.

Top 10 List for Week 4:
1.) Boardwalk vs. Greg - Boardwalk wins... Gurl down.
2.) Impromptu Underwear Party in the Meat Rack.
3.) BOBBAAAAAY!
4.)

5.) The Britney, The Blackberry Cooler, Big Gurl Shots
6.) R.T.M. / 10-9-8-7
7.) Smile with your eyes!
8.) Dancing at Low Tea, Finding Middle Tea, Annihilated at High Tea
9.)Vincent's sweatshirt: "That was FIERCE!"
and lastly but not leastly...
10.) YA WANNA BE ON TOP!

Hot Slut of the Week:
Full-time top model and part time ass-kicker had her ass kicked by Thursday night. When caught by the papparazi and asked about rehab she respectfully declined comment.

Click the Jello for weekend pictures!

Week 3 (or, Memorial Day: Who remembers?)

2008-05-28T21:02:00.017-04:00

Happy Birthday to Damian & Shawn. Several housemates saw their first fire island sunrise from the hot tub. On the upside, we did learn how to give a male breast examination - see left. On the downside, we're not sure those little flowers Tommy planted will ever recover from Sunday night.

Back to our true roots - below is a top 10 list of sayings, events, and things not to be discussed in polite company.

Ah, the smells of the Meat Rack.
Innocently checking out the Dick Dock and finding a coworker staking his claim.
Jesus falling from the top deck to the forest floor, knocking over a 50lb flower pot. At 5am. Jesus v.s Flowerpot - Flowerpot wins.
Two gay dogs dry humping on the living room floor.
Neighbors call cops. Cops come at 2:15am. Damian defuses the situation by telling them his birthday is that weekend and inviting them to the party. We're pretty sure he blew them too.
Drama issue #1: Tommy snores. Miguel is awakened. One mad Mexican.
Madonna. All day. Everyday. Enough.
Makeout fourgie in the hot tub.
Lesson #1 about bringing straight girls to the island: If you should forget to take them back on the ferry with you, don't assume anyone else will take them in (i.e. they might end up sobbing their way into a free room at the Boatel).
Housemates can't seem to keep their legs together (see below). While this has always been an issue, never before has it been so documented. Brought to you by the producers of Planet Earth:

And then there were those things left behind - like the refuse after a natural disaster. If something looks familiar, please see the Director of Lost and Found (i.e. anyone who you can get to get yo stuff back to you).

And finally, the recipe for the new house drink: THE SLURRED SLUT

3 parts vodka, any kind, still in bottle
1 part soda, tonic, or any other mixer readily available

Insert mixer into bottle with vodka. Shake slightly by the side of the hot tub. Pass around at 4am-ish. Then make out. With whoever. Best followed by a grope of the taint.

Have a great weekend this time around! And, happy birthday DAMIAN & SHAWN!

Weeks for Sale! Weeks for Sale!

2008-05-19T11:42:00.026-04:00

Below is an updated list of weeks that are for sale. Please contact the person directly if you are interested in a swap or a sale.

September 18-21: ONE SHARE for sale/trade (dadams(at)samschwartz.com)

If anyone else has a week for sale, or if you buy/sell one listed above, please email will.simpkins(at)gmail.com so I can update the listings!

Week 2

2008-05-18T20:55:00.012-04:00

We received some complaints that last week's photos were not racy enough, so this week we tried a bit harder.

Behold:

Yes, we're not sure if it was brought on by the warm sunshine, or the balmy Saturday breeze, or the sweet smell of the new flowers on the deck, or just some honest-to-goodness liquor, but a sweet lurrve connection was made.

(Oh, and btw, just because there were no racy pictures last week does not mean that there were not racy times. Let's just say that I could tell you who had the most sensitive and the least sensitive nipples in the house. Not that I would, of course. All I have to say about nipples this week is that Nico probably had the most, period.)

Anyway, back to this week. Things are definitely gearing up for the summer - the posh grocery store is open now, and the pizza place is open, and the litter patrol were even spotted putting up the trash bags throughout what Darrick so delicately described in last weeks photos as "the wooded nature area between the pines and the grove".

One particular highlight of the weekend came courtesy of our new friends Brent and Sam. Theirs is a tragic story of delicious consequence: lovers since their teens, but cursed with the misfortune of both being bottoms in a sleepy town not yet served by craigslist, they harnessed their frustrations and directed them into baking delicious cookies. Gay cookies. For Gays.

(8 servings my arse)

Dinner was fabulous, naturally, followed by a somewhat less successful attempt at formulating a house cocktail - even dunking an aforementioned cookie couldn't save it - followed by a steaming serving of Mark Soup that had even fewer takers.

Alright, enough.

Until June,

Mark

Just the FAQs, Maam

2008-05-14T10:09:00.005-04:00

Ladies and Hobags - in response to your questions here are your answers:

Q: How do I get to the house?
A: Off the dock - Turn left. Walk 'til you say to yourself "Fuck! This is far." It's two more streets after that. Turn your China-town Louie-Vitton matching luggage set left onto Fisherman's Path. The house is on the left. The gate house has 509 on it. There is a map in the 'Useful links section'.

Q: I'll be the first person arriving; How do I get into the house?
A: The house is left unlocked. Walk in.

Q: Do I need to bring [sheets, towels, pillows, blankets, lube....]
A: Linens and bath towels are provided. Guests occasionally bring their own sheets, pillows etc based on preference of knowing whose no-no hole has been on 'em. There is a washer and dryer in the house. Please ensure you wash any linens you use during your stay. If you forget your poppers just pull out any bed.. there probably is some there left over from last week.

Q: How do I reserve a bedroom?
A: Bedrooms are first come first serviced. However couples default to the center bedroom with queen sized bed (We assume you like each other). The other bedrooms have singles which can be pushed together or seperated depending on preference and/or the attractiveness of your roommate. People with guests tend to take the basement with the pull-out love-sofa. All bedrooms have their pluses an minuses. The far bedroom has a nice breeze but gets early morning hangover-hating light. One bedroom has it's own bathroom but get's a lot of traffic to and from the bathroom coke mirror. Sleeping arrangement always work out very well so don't furrow your botoxed brow over beds!

Q: What is the 'Viewing Room'?
A: The first bedroom off the kitchen is surrounded by windows and a wrap around deck. The curtains on the windows are frequently left open allowing a fishbowl effect. If you happen to be gettin' yours one evening with another (or many) other gentleman fishes and leave the curtains open this is considered full permission and authorization on your part to allow viewing while eating macaroni and cheese and rating your performance.

Q: Holy crap! What the *&^% is that in the hottub!? How often is it cleaned for Christ sake?
A: Not often enough for the gay pride parade of dirty fags in it over the weekends. We ask that you rinse yourself before immersing your tanning greased man-boobs in it. However we know you ain't gunna do it so I don't know why we even ask... To answer the question "What is that in the hotub?" By the end of the weekend and 147 fags later the hotub is a mix of spray on tan, Kiel's Man-lotion, cheap white wine, cologne, poppers, peel-off masks, Paul Mitchel Dry wax, Feria and Stoli. Any similarity between anything in the hotub on Suday morning and water is purely coincidence.

Q: Will I end up on the Blog?
A: Hopefully! The only thing worse then doing something fun, interesting, notable, drunken and and/or sketchy and therefore ending up on the blog is NOT ending up on the blog. That implies you lack highly desirable hand-picked qualities noted above. But don't worry about your co-workers finding the pics of you passed out and cuddling your GloWorm (We know you had one!).- The blog is not searchable on the general Internet and full names are never used to protect the extra-guilty

Any further questions can be asked in the Comments section. Welcome to a summer or surf, sand and Stoli. Let the poor fashion choices commence!

Week 1 - And it begins...

2008-05-12T15:09:00.003-04:00

Weekend highlights:
-Red Socks
-Suck versus Blow

Picture text from Damian: "First Planters of the Year".
(Click pic to enlarge)

Sperm Bump!

Where's Mark's finger?

Drink your juice, Shelby!

Full set of weekend pics here.

5 Day Countdown

2008-05-04T21:51:00.002-04:00

To celebrate only 5 days until the summer begins, a Top 5 list of things to look forward to in 2008:

Planters punch. What the eff is in that anyway? Crack? HELL to tha yeah!
Pole Dancing.
The Boys of Tarpon Walk.
Viewing Room.
Good friends, good drinks, good sex. Sometimes at the same time.

Woo Hoo!

Week Swap

2008-04-09T22:08:00.002-04:00

From Charlie (charlessinger1224 at hot mail*com):

Hi Everyone,

Mark and I are scheduled for the second week 5/15-5/22 and we were wondering if any of you would be willing to swap the first week 5/9-5/15 for the second. We already asked Mark P. and Steven but unfortunately they are going to be away the second week. I have a conflict with a trip I need to take for work the second week.

Please let us know either way if any of you can swap.

Thanks,
Charlie

2008 Schedule is here!

2008-04-07T11:50:00.045-04:00

9/11/08 – 9/18/08

Roozbeh
Julia C. (yes, a girl)
Steven H.
Mark (C)
Charlie S.
Will Glus
Vacant
Joshua S. (with guest)

9/18/08 – 9/21/08

Darrick S.
Anthony B.
Chris B.
Tyler
Felipe
Douglas A.
Will S. (with guest)
Bryan A.

Pre-Departure Happy Hour - April 3, 2008

2008-04-04T21:48:00.015-04:00

If you build it - they will come. And cum they did to The Ritz. Damian and Josh finally planned a happy hour when Will was in town, and promised we'd see the final (or at least semi-final) schedule. Check out the pics of the new meat...er...housemates...below! Sorry for any mis-identifications of people I just met - I was drunk. Things yet to come on the blog - the updated schedule where you can post comments of weeks you want to trade/sell/buy, a list of "things to bring" to Fire Island Summer 08, and more! If you want to be able to post on the blog, email me at will.simpkins@gmail.com and I'll give you permission! -Will

Damian and Darrick

Jesus and Robert

Mark, Charlie, and Rob

Ian and Josh

Anthony, Adam, and Mark

Josh and Adam

J.C., Anthony, and Jesus (in motion)

Josh and Mark ... but where's Steven? Hmmm...

This is what we call Mark's "Oprah Face"

And finally - the ninth roommate. If you don't know what this is, you'll learn.

2008

2008-02-03T13:36:00.001-05:00

When are we reopening the blog and our legs?

Thanks for the memories...

2007-09-24T23:21:00.000-04:00

Last Dance. Last Chance For Romance.

2007-09-24T09:37:00.000-04:00

Well well well. It seems the summer of 2007 has come to a deadening halt. Our last weekend (weakend) was much like any other - lots of love, booze, the occasional stranger, and street trade. There will be two posts this week - "Top 10 events and quotes of the weekend" and " top things to look forward to next year." Here's to '08!

Top 10 Events and Quotes from this Weekend:
1. T: "We weren't fucking!" ... W: "Bitch, I heard the lube cap."
2. Morning 1: 5 dead birds and 1 pile of deer poop on the deck.
3. "Judy, could you come here for a second?"
4. "wah wah wah"
5. "I think my brownie just kicked in"
6. Straight-Girl-On-Gay-Man Action. More than once.
7. Asian Circle Jerk (ACJ)
8. Streettrade Name Changing - "Hi I'm Shawn...Shawn...Conal..."'
9. Nick getting suspicious that Will is filming EVERYTHING for Youtube. Layoff the brownies mate.
10. Hearing Tom cum at 3:30am. Twice.

and finally...the top 5 things to look forward to in '08:

1. Personalized 509 T-Shirts with nicknames.
2. A working television and deck lights.
3. New housemates (yay GREG!)
4. More Rihanna.
5. Damian's lighting and flower schema.

***Pictures to come soon****

September 14-16

2007-09-16T18:01:00.000-04:00

Looks like the summer has come to a sad and slow end...Friday and Saturday morning were horrible weather but it got sunny late Saturday and Sunday was great. Not much to report because the few of us there were trainwrecks. Complete disasters.

The Highlight:

5 a.m. on Sunday morning: Mark finds a completely random unknown man sleeping in the living room. Attempts to wake him and interrogate were somewhat unsuccessful. He claimed to be the owner's friend. The stranger was gone by 8am.

Other highlights:

Tom coming in from the underwear party at 11:00 AM
Streethead during high tea
Someone being carried home by a gentleman kind enough to look out for a drunk sistah
Mark making chit chat with horny boys heading to and from the dick dock.
Adam's Rollergirl new shorts (everything is on sale people! major sale) pictured below.

Enjoy next week those who go!

Week 16 (?) - Guests and Booze

2007-09-05T00:16:00.000-04:00

I really don't remember much about this past weekend. Rafter dance? Street trade? What are those?

A Few Photos - Click Here!

And something about drag...

Week 15 - Ascension

2007-08-22T17:30:00.000-04:00

It is with great sadness and misery I must report a loss to our 509 Fisherman's Family. Over this last weekend an unfortunate and senseless accident occurred which took one of our loved housemates from us. Their contribution to the house will not be easily forgotten and their legacy will live on.

In memory I am posting this video as an eternal digital reminder. Let us not forget.

Rest is pieces...

Gold Shoes (1987 - 2007)

Lost Item

2007-08-20T10:19:00.000-04:00

Has anyone seen my dignity? I may have left it on the couch, where I was seen eating a duck burger at 2:30am off of a pillow...or perhaps I left it on the roofdeck where I tried to sleep off the booze. More than likely, it was dropped somewhere between the house and Cherry Grove.

If you see it, please pick it up and put it somewhere in the house where I'm sure to find it. Like the liquor shelf in the freezer.

Thanks,
Will

HEY SHAWN!

2007-08-08T10:52:00.000-04:00

Because everyone was asking, here are the lyrics to "HEY SHAWN" by that hit Beatles Fire Island Tribute Band (aka. Will and Adam), "The Crabs".

Hey Shawn,
Don't look so sad.
Do some poppers and
you'll feel ba-aa-aaa-aad.
Just take the head into your h*le
But no-ot the pole-ole-ole-ole..

HEY SHAWN...

Live it. Love it.

Coming Soon!!!!

2007-08-07T19:51:00.000-04:00

Who got his dick sucked on the roofdeck and allowed us to film the whole thing?

Week 13 - Summer Debaucery Top 10!

2007-08-06T22:12:00.001-04:00

This weeks Top 10 brought to you by Diassociated Press' new Book 'Oprah and her Angry Hole':

1.) Adam passing out face down in the meat rack
2.) Cock shots at Low Tea
3.) "I'm too lazy to masturbate anymore: I outsource it."
4.) "GET OUTTA THE WAY, OPRAH!"
5.) Walking through the meat rack to Cherry Grove singing "HEY SHAWN!" (Sung to 'Hey Jude')
6.) Partially used condoms on the roof
7.) Singing "Take Another Little Piece of My Heart!" with Porsche
8.) 5 minute warning
9.) Meat Curtains
10.) The first weekend ever where most of the guys in the house made it farther with a girl than any man. (Thanks Natalie!)

Early August Debauchery...

2007-08-06T18:49:00.000-04:00

And the summer just keeps oozing along...another weekend of beautiful weather and high heels...and dick.

Warning: There's a cock pic in here so if you're at work...well then be careful.

www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=17c2d6ur.9nysvr9r&x=1&y=z5k571

Week umm.. whatever it is.. highlights and Trivia game! YAY!

2007-07-26T17:52:00.000-04:00

Answered revealed!

Question 1: How are guests of the house like the gold high heels? (Freebie answer: At some point everybody's been in 'em.)

Questions 2: (Multiple choice): Name the most frequent house guest: A.) Anthony. B.) Tommy C.) Josh's pubes. B. Tommy (Josh shaves his pubes.)
Question 3: How much does it take to have a 4-some on Fire Island? A.) $100 in flavored Vodka B.) $100 in cash C.) One iPod All of the above.

Question 4 (Complete the sentence): Ms. Swan Wig $45, Red Corset $75, black sequin jacket and matching high heels $125, Dancing on the dining room table to Madonna's 'Express yourself' _________!

Question 5 (Math question): Take the number of guests that have stayed in the house. Add that to the number of people in the house said house guests have slept with then subtract the amount of condoms used. (Use of quantum computers is allowed.)

12 Guests + 23 housemates - 2 condoms = DIRTY DIRTY WHORES.

Question 6: Name the item most frequently found the bathroom(s). A.) Toilet paper B.) Cosmetics and Pharmaceuticals C.) Coke mirror and a rolled up dollar bill. C.

Question 7 (History): Name the only house resident to have NOT fooled around with another house resident. Anderson CooperQuestion 8: (Fashion question): Name the most cutting edge fashion look in the house. A.) Shirtless B.) Towel gown and high heels C.) Naked and covered in mud. D.) Speed-o and high heels. The rest of the looks are SO week of July 2nd!

Question 9 (Current Events): Phrase most often heard in the house: A.) "Santorum" B.) "Where'd this rash come from?" C.) "Don't tell my boyfriend." "Don't tell my boyfriend about my copious amount of santorum or where this rash came from."

Question 10: Where WAS Roozbeh? The Drug House with his Baby-Daddy!

And you're moment of Zen -
Roozbeh: "What are you going to say about me on the BLOG?"
Shawn" "Nothing, until you do something interesting."

Where my girls at?

2007-07-16T19:20:00.001-04:00

Where are you bitches? Why am I (and Adam and Shawn) the only people posting?!?!! I know you're out there. Get to it.

This Mess Pretty Much Sums Up the Weekend

2007-07-06T18:09:00.001-04:00

Shawn's Additions to the Top Ten

2007-07-06T10:13:00.000-04:00

-"HEY GIRL!...fat ass..."
-How to do a Tasmanian in 3 easy steps:
1.) Wait 'til Tasmanian passes out
2.) Jump the Tasmanian and ride his cock
3.) Repeat as necessary
-"They're not dirty pillows mama! They're breasts.. and every woman has them!"

This One's For Mark:

2007-07-05T22:10:00.001-04:00

July 4th Week Events and Quotes

2007-07-05T21:52:00.000-04:00

10. "I wanna cum inside you, but I need to go flip the chicken."
9. "I got a knot in my stomach!"
8. Free T-Shirts
7. Retarded Mongoloids
6. "..I am "freezing" and this is my wife "dead."
5. Michael Kors tossing Will to the ground at High Tea
4. Bodily fluid exchange with the house on Tarpon Walk.
3. "We need to find you a nickname." "My friends call me Britney." "Done."
2. Rue Maclanahan at High Tea
1. Waking up to find an empty wine bottle, bottle of poppers, and gold heels by the hot tub.

Last week until July 4...

2007-07-05T07:47:00.000-04:00

Thanks to everyone for a ridiculous weekend! Here are my 100+ pics...any that simply must be posted?

-AMB

http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=17c2d6ur.4m6hy4jr&x=1&y=-jt68wc

More Week 3 Photos (Sorry for the Delay)

2007-06-24T09:30:00.000-04:00

Week 3 Photos

2007-06-13T10:46:00.000-04:00

Awww..isn't Adam sweet?

Mark and Damian

Mark and...

mmmmm...Mark.

Roger and Damian.

Mark and Adam.

Damian is prissy.

pretty sunset.

Top 10 - Week 5

2007-06-13T10:07:00.000-04:00

10. Roozbeh made it! He actually slept in the house overnight.
9. Rain...rain...rain...rain..
8. Ian's friend - or "who was that masked man?"
7. Finger-banging.
6. The hot tub. 'nuff said.
5. Steven surprising the landlord...nude.
4. Demon Deer in the laundry room!
3. "Cheer up, Jan! You'll make the squad next year"
2. "Allow myself to introduce myself...I am Richie Cunningham and this is my wife O-prah."

1. Walking to the Grove with the poppers-snorting Pines Bartenders through the Meat Rack.

2007-05-29T12:34:00.000-04:00

Week 3 - May 24th

Top 10 Quotes and Events from Week 3

10. "I'll bottom for anyone."
9. "This dick ain't gunna suck itself!"
8. Fire Island Tip #1: Be sure the screen is open before running through the door.
7. "I'm waiting for someone else."
6. "I'm going out to read." (Drunk, at 4am, in the dark, with no book.)
5. Latinos-Gone-Wild Shower Party
4. Lukewarm-Tubbing
3. Lemon Drop and Jell-O Birthday shots
2. "What temperature do you set the oven for crack?"
1. Who-uh!

Pictures from Week 1

2007-05-17T23:51:00.001-04:00

Bryan, Nick, Steven - who was Steven looking at?

Damian and Bryan. Bryan looks a little toasted.

Week 1 - May 11

2007-05-17T23:43:00.001-04:00

Top Ten Events and Quotes from Week 1:
10. "Well, we have those baby back ribs we can eat."
9. Finding a gold lame bikini and high heels in the bedroom closet.
8. Nick denying that they belonged to him.
7. Morning 1: "Where's Roozbeh?"
6. Morning 2: "Where's Roozbeh?"
5. Dip and Swirl..Sit and Spin...Sip and Spit...
4. Finding Damian's speedo in the couch cushions after everyone left.
3. Doug: "All you need is $100 and lube."
2. Bryan: "I'm not getting in that!" (re: the hot tub)
1. "Who shit on the roof?"